I was so scared of everything You put in front of me
I’ve been arching every part of me
Just to see
Why You need me to be
The boy You need me to be
How sweet the sound
That saves a wretch like me
I once was lost
And now I’m found
Was blind but now I see
I just wanna see
I’m the type of person who lets fear drive
I’m the type of guy who lets it drive
Cause I’m addicted, I’m needy,
I’m lost without You
I need You
I need You
Amazing grace (You’re amazing)
How sweet the sound (You’re amazing)
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost (it feels so bad when you’re lost and alone)
But now I’m found
Was blind but now I see
I don’t want to live a life of fear. I don’t want to live my life judging and re-judging, testing and re-testing every step I take so that I don’t ever end up taking any steps at all. I don’t want to be the person that looks back so much that he can’t ever look forward. I don’t want to be the grown man huddling in the corner, so afraid of what life might throw at him that he can’t even stand up.
I wish I was the type of person who jumps into pools. I wish I was the person who always volunteered for things first – the one who shoots his hand up in the air before even knowing what he has to do. I wish I was so open to others that I could share my struggles with them or tell them how much I care about them. I wish I was the bold one.
There are two types of boldness. There is the type of boldness that comes from arrogance and pride – they’re so confident of themselves that they don’t fear anything. I don’t want that type. That’s what I’ve wanted in the past, but that leads to nothing. Everyone fails, and everyone falls. To place confidence in yourself is to place confidence in imperfection. No, I don’t want that type of boldness.
The other type of boldness is the one that comes from God. It’s the assurance of the strength that comes from our Creator Himself, the one who created and sustains us. It’s the act of planting our feet on Christ the solid rock, the Saviour who rescued us and bought us back. It’s the boldness that comes from knowing that our God is perfect; He is above everything that can come against us.
“The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion.” (Proverbs 28:1)
“Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.” (2 Corinthians 3:12-18)
I want this boldness. I want to be so sure of my God and that “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13) that I am not afraid to do what I know is right. I want to be bold. I want to be able to share the gospel with complete strangers. I want to be open to what God is calling me to do and not second-guessing myself. But if God has “not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7), then why do I so often live in fear?
I did something this past week that I never expected to ever do. At camp, we have campfires every night, and sometimes we have special music – a song that one person or a few people play. The week before, I had played “From the Inside Out” by Hillsong United with Jodi (Smucks) and Andre (Ahgee). That was pretty cool. But this week I took it up a notch – actually a few. In front of about 100 campers and staff, I played a song I had written. It was called “The God I Adore”, and I wrote it over a year ago. It’s one of my favourite songs, but I had never shared it with anyone. It had been a special song between God and me. But this week, I shared it, and found out just how encouraging everyone can be. At least a dozen people came up to me afterwards – both campers and staff – and told me how much they liked the song. And so I was glad that I had done it.
I’ve also been leading Quest, a morning devotional for staff, every once in a while. People sign up to lead for a morning, and then they have free reign as to what they can do. I’ve led it a few times, but every time I’ve done it, I’ve never been satisfied with what I’ve said – I haven’t been able to express myself well enough. And that has made me hesitant to keep doing it. It’s this fear that keeps me from doing it. But as I think about this, I also remember my commitment to God to start up a Bible study in my residence in the coming fall term. This will be a once-a-week thing, instead of a “just do it when you feel like doing it” thing. And that makes me nervous. If I can’t lead a Quest to my satisfaction when I’m among a bunch of Christians, then how am I supposed to lead a Bible study among a bunch of Catholics and non-Christians? I’m wanting to somehow impact my school and share my faith, but I wish there were some easier way. I’m a writer – I’m not much of a speaker. But whenever I take that to God, I feel like Moses arguing with the burning bush, making up excuses for why he can’t go talk to Pharaoh. And so, I guess I’ll just have to suck it up. Maybe singing that song is the first step to becoming bolder for God and the gospel. Maybe not. But luckily, I’m too stubborn to go back on my word.