I don’t even know how to start this off. I know I need to write something, to clear my head, but I don’t know what to write. My old English teacher (and when I say “old,” I mean both “former” and “ancient”) used to make us write journals in English class. And he told us that if we ever were stuck trying to start writing, we should just start writing about how we didn’t know what to write. Things always come to your mind when you do that. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m writing about nothing in hopes that something will appear.
To be completely honest and open, I hate life right now. I mean, I know “hate” is kind of a harsh word, and it’s not really the good Christian thing to say, but neither is lying. Why does church always seem to be about sunshine and flowers and happy moments? People always mention how God loves us, and how He is always there for us, just a prayer away. And I know those things are true. They’ve been burned into my mind for so long that I know they can’t be anything but true. But even Christians go through hard times. And if no one ever talks about those times, then what do people do when they come and are completely unprepared for them? “Oh, God will provide for all your needs.” Well I need to feel happy right now, and I need a few friends to come bake me a cake. But where are they?
Humans were never meant to experience boredom for extended periods of time. I know this because I’m currently experiencing that exact thing, and it’s corrosive. Boredom can eat the soul right out of you, like an acid. And right now, I’m incredibly bored, and my friends seem to always be too busy for me, and God seems a million miles away too. The most excitement I have is every two weeks, when we have a youth service. But that only comes every other week, and what do I do for a whole 13 days in between? I sit at home and try to find things to do, but I’m quickly running out of movies and computer games to hold me over, and there’s still a month left of this boredom. Then I go into work, usually for the matinee shift, and it’s completely dead. People trickle in at a snail’s pace, and we’re lucky to break a hundred for both matinee shows most days. And that’s bad. So I sit at home bored, and then I go to work, and am immediately bored. It’s only the drive there and back that really breaks the monotony.
Yep, it sure seems like I’m in this by myself. Kim calls every once in a while, and that’s cool, but it’s gotten to the point where if it’s not a phone call for my parents, then it must be Kim. She’s the only one that calls me. It’s like my friends have all disappeared (which is true, for the most part…a lot of them are away at camp and stuff). It’s getting to the point where I feel that I could write the book of 2 Lamentations. It would just be so depressing that no one would read it.
Yeah, being a Christian is always fun. It’s always a wild water rafting adventure, full of twists and turns, one exciting situation after another. But for me, it seems like I’m rafting in a creek. A nice, calm little creek. I hear the water, and I try to get excited about it, but it’s just not happening. My biggest challenge is the turtle that slowly crosses in front of my raft. I try to avoid the rocks, but they turn out to just be small pebbles. Fun.
I guess all I can really say is that Christians are people just like everyone else. Of course, we have God on our side, and that means that He’s looking out for us, but sometimes He just puts us in these situations where nothing seems to happen, and nothing goes right. I can’t say I really know why. I know that He knows what He’s doing, but I sure don’t. I don’t even want to venture a guess, because my guess would probably just be too depressing to be true. All I can say is, hopefully this creek feeds into a larger river, and hopefully as I move closer and closer to the next stage in my life – university – that the water will pick up speed. Because if it doesn’t, well, you’re going to be reading a lot more depressing posts like this. Sorry, readers. This is the best I could come up with today. No amazing world records broken. No alien abductions. No marathons run or military victories achieved. I haven’t solved the situation in the Middle East with Israel and Lebanon, nor have I ended the war in Iraq. Nope. Just plain ol’, boring, vanilla-ice-cream me. But at least I’m honest.