Oh, how do I begin this post? There’s so much going on, and yet at the same time, nothing is going on at all. In fact, pretty much everything that is happening is just occurring in my head – a mixture of a thousand feelings, threatening to become depressing at some times and yet holding off from teetering over that cliff. I’m a mixed-up person. I really am. It’s sad that I know that and yet am entirely unable to fix the problem. But knowing there’s a problem and being able to fix it are two different things. I might know there’s a problem with my car’s engine if it starts rumbling and spewing out smoke, but the first thing I would do is get out my cell phone and make a frantic call to my dad – or a tow truck. I wouldn’t know where to start fixing the engine.
So where do I start? Things have been strange. I’ve been doing a lot, keeping real busy, and yet all that I’ve been doing is working. I worked Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and then I work Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. By the time I get home at about 4:30 or 5:00 PM, I’m already ready to climb into bed before getting up and doing it all again the next day. But it’s not like I have much else to do. None of my friends have called me – at all – since school ended. Boy, you sure know your friends care about you when… But then again, they might have called while I was working, and even if they had managed to catch me at home, I would have likely had to turn them down – because I would probably be working. Still, it’s not like they tried very hard. I haven’t heard anything from any of them, except for the ones that go to my church. I don’t know if it’s just because they’re as boring as I am and aren’t doing anything, or they’re too cool for me now.
Then again, it’s probably a good thing that they can’t get ahold of me. I’ve been incredibly moody lately. I miss my friends, and yet every time I hang out with people, it’s been incredibly unsatisfying. I end up wishing I had just stayed home. And moody Jeff is most certainly not fun to be around. Partially, though, I think this moodiness is perhaps because I’m not hanging out with people much. It’s like a vicious cycle. I don’t hang out with someone and get all stupid, then I finally do hang out with someone, hate my time with them because I’m moody, and then get more moody afterward because I didn’t have fun. Horrible stuff.
What’s more horrible, though, is the thought that I had in the shower this morning. No, the horrible part was not that I had a thought, or even that I had a shower. But it shocked me. I suddenly thought to myself, “What if this is God’s way of slowly uprooting me?” The mere thought itself had scary implications. If God’s doing that, then He’s doing it about a month and a half too early! It’s only the second of July! I still have to live here in Brantford for another two months before going off to university. And if He goes and uproots me right now, what am I going to do, feeling like an outcast, for two months?
Perhaps this past week has been God’s way of saying, “Hey Jeff, I have better things for you than just what you’re used to in Brantford. Come with Me and I’ll show you.” Or maybe He was just saying, “Get a life. Get a freakin’ life, man.” I’d tend to appreciate the former more, but somehow I think perhaps the latter would be more accurate. But I don’t know. I’m sort of confused right now about the whole thing. I just haven’t had this sense of fitting in lately. I feel out of place, and I feel like I don’t belong, and it’s worrying me. After all, I don’t want to feel like this for two more months before finally getting shoved out of my house and sent off to Waterloo like an unwanted child sent to an orphanage. I got to thinking about it a bit more today. It was actually while I was playing bass up on stage during the worship time at church. Whoops! I’m a bad Christian, I guess. But the more I get to know myself (and I’m just barely getting to do so), the more I realize just how stubborn I can be sometimes. I’m like that nail in the wall that just won’t come out, and God might just have to take a crowbar to me to make me go anywhere. It’s going to get to be the end of August, and I’ll freak out and not want to leave my room for thirty years. I’ll hide under the covers of my bed, just like a stupid little kid. That’s me sometimes. I mean, I may not physically do that, but deep down inside myself, that’s where I’ll be. I know it, and God’s probably pretty wise to start this uprooting process now instead of at the end of August. You know what? God’s pretty smart.
So here I am, feeling pretty alone right now. I know I have friends, and I know they care about me, but right now, they’re out there, and I’m right here, and we don’t seem to be connecting. I think most of them stopped calling me simply because I was never available. I mean, it’s not like I’ve been avoiding them, I’m just so busy with work and my own youth group that I never have time to do anything with them anymore. So tonight, I think I might just surprise some of them. There’s no youth on at my church tonight, so I might show up at Central and freak them all out by actually, well, being there. I just have to double-check and make sure it’s still going on and everything, and then I’m there. Because, well, they’re my friends, and that’s what friends do. They show up. Even if they’re moody and mixed-up. If I could draw your attention to Exhibit A, Jeff Hughes, the prime example of both categories. Now if only he could get his act together…