You’d think this entry would be a good one. You’d think that since I’m done all my exams now, and am thoroughly finished with high school – forever – that I’d be jumping up and down and singing about pink bunny rabbits and rainbows and gumdrops. You’d think that I’d be partying it up with all my friends, having the time of my life now that school has stopped and summer has started. Yeah, you’d think that.
And I guess I was like that yesterday right after I finished my exam. It was pretty much the easiest exam I’ve ever written, just a silly little seven-page Data Management exam. I was done in an hour and a half, and I left at that time. I went downstairs to my locker, grabbed my stuff, and then stopped and thought to myself, “Hey, this is it! You’re finished! You’re done high school, er, for the second time!” And yeah, that was a pretty good feeling. I got home and did a little happy dance to some unheard music in my mind. I set down my stuff, then looked around. And that’s when it hit me: Now what? I had the rest of the day with nothing to do. And what does one do when there’s nothing to do? Exactly. Nothing. My friend Kim had said she might call since she was most likely going to be stuck at school the entire day, but as it turns out, she got a ride home with her friend. It’s not like I was really expecting her to call, but it would at least have been something to do. So I went downstairs to my computer and pretty much played games for an hour or two.
After lunch (and maybe some more game-playing, I can’t remember), I decided to watch Troy. I think it’s pretty much one of my favourite movies, although I don’t think I’ve ever definitively decided on what my favourite movies are – there are just too many good ones. But that movie is sweet. The only bad part about the whole thing is that Orlando Bloom is in the movie – and he doesn’t die, either. In fact, he kills Achilles at the end. But that’s okay. At least he, once again, plays the role of the little fairy archer who really doesn’t do much of anything except act all cool and then go running home to his big brother when someone takes him up on a challenge. I can’t stand that Mr. Bloom. He bugs me. But anyways, since I had nothing else to do, and since watching that long movie effectively kills off about 3 hours of your day, I watched it. And then I went downstairs to the computer again and played more games. Boy, I had a boring day.
And now it’s the first official day of summer for me. School has ended, and I suddenly have absolutely no purpose in life, it seems. I woke up today, and then realized – hey, I don’t have to! But by that time, I was already up. So I got up. Of course, it was already about 9:30 AM by that time, so I still had slept in somewhat, but I kind of wish I had stayed in bed now. Because I quickly found out that things outside of my warm covers weren’t really much more interesting. At least when you’re in bed, you have an excuse to dream and make things exciting. But when you wake up, you’re expected to live in the real world, and the real world, when no one’s home, and none of your friends are around, is quite dull. I’ve done a bunch of nothing again today. I played some guitar, and figured out a few new worship songs that John-Marc wants to do for youth. So I guess that was a productive use of my time. It didn’t really seem like it, though. It seemed more like playing a chord, then typing a single letter onto my computer, then playing the song again and repeating the process one chord at a time. That’s what I get for trying to figure out the chords for guitar on a song that uses piano. It’s hard to hear, and piano players can sure do some very strange chords sometimes.
Anyways, I’m really just rambling because I have nothing else to say, and I know that if I end this blog entry, I’ll have nothing else to do either. I’m just glad that tomorrow, the youth group is going to Wonderland all day, so that’ll be something to do that I can get out of my house for. I mean, I guess I could get up right now and go take a jog around the block. That would be using my time for something productive, since it keeps my body healthy, etc. But, well, my laziness is crying out desperately for me to just sit here, and as is the case with most people, I make sure to listen to my laziness. Plus, what’s the point in jogging around the block? Where does that get me besides just right back where I started?
Heh. I guess that’s what I’ve been doing a lot of lately. I’ve been jogging around the block spiritually. I get up some energy, then put some effort into my spiritual life, and feel like I’m accomplishing something – and then I find out that I’ve managed to go in a complete circle. Even more accurately, I guess I’m on a treadmill. I’m running and running, but I ain’t going nowhere. Then I realize that fact, and so I try harder, hoping that somehow I’ll outrun the backward motion, but really, I’m still on the treadmill. I just happen to be running faster and getting nowhere. The question I have, though, is how does one get off the treadmill? I’m trying to put the gifts that God has given me to good use, but it doesn’t seem to be accomplishing anything. I try hard to do the right thing, but then I slip up, look around, and find myself back where I started. Slip-ups on a treadmill can hurt. You fall flat on your face, and the thing shoots you off the back of it. Then you get up, try to jump back onto it, and the motion of it just makes you trip up again to fly backwards once more. But I guess when it really comes down to it, nobody wants to be on the treadmill in the first place. I’d much rather be running a race somewhere. That’s what I was meant for, after all.
There was a time when I thought that I was getting somewhere. I remember those days. They were awesome. Everything was going right, and I felt like God and I were the bestest of buddies, inseparable. But somehow, we got separated all the same. And the only problem with having a relationship with a perfect person is that if anything goes wrong in the relationship, you always know exactly whose fault it is. ‘Cause when it comes down to it, you know God didn’t screw up. That can be the source of a lot of guilt. The Enemy loves to trip you up over that fact. “Man, you screwed up again, you stupid fool! You’re worthless! You’ll never get anywhere.” I’ve just found out about that recently. I always seemed to have some subconscious thought that things between God and me were personal and private – and that when I screwed up, it was just a matter of telling yourself that God still loved you, and everything would be hunky-dorey again. But I’ve found that the Devil loves to get in between you and God. He loves to trip you up, and then quickly run in between the two of you so that you’re left feeling alone and guilty. It’s kind of like a solar eclipse. He tries to block out the sunlight so that all you see is darkness. I think it’s likely one of his favourite tactics against Christians.
The thing about solar eclipses, though, is that the Sun is never completely blocked by the moon. I mean, it can be pretty close sometimes, but if you see pictures of eclipses, there’s always that little ring of light around the dark circle. God’s love always shines through. Always. In the midst of darkness and gloom, His light will penetrate. The devil does a good job of delaying it sometimes, but God is also patient. He will choose just the right time to burn a whole right through the guy if He has to. And that, it seems, is just what God is doing right now. Right now, for me, it’s just the hint of light peeking around the dark mass. I just know that the light is coming. I’ve been trying to do my part – I’ve been trying to pray more, and make my effort to come at least halfway. But now it’s God’s turn to act, and at the same time that I just wrote a blog entry about being bored, my anticipation is growing to see what exactly God’s going to do in my life. He’s always faithful, and I’m just waiting on Him so that I’ll be ready to catch the full glimpse of His glory when the eclipse is over.
Wow. I don’t know where that came from. I never really think much about what I’m going to say in these entries before I start writing – I may have a general idea in mind, but often-times they sprout into something completely different. It’s awesome how God just kind of plants a thought in my mind sometimes, and then as I start writing, He speaks to me through what I say. It’s strange, really. You would think that a blog that I post on the internet would really be for other people to read, but it’s never been about that for me. This blog is for me, and if it helps others, then that’s great, too, but that’s not why I write. God uses what we love to do to speak to us a lot of times. For some people, it’s music, and for others, it’s through reading books (although I’m not saying that those who hate reading don’t have to read the Bible). For me, God likes to speak through writing. It’s really kind of odd how it works, considering that I’m the one writing the words. But whatever. As long as it works, who really cares how He does it? But anyways, with that said, I’m finished writing for today. Here’s to tomorrow.