Vacuum Sealed for Freshness

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

It seems as if I’ve made a new friend for good. As I’ve previously mentioned, I’ve had a new occupant in my bedroom besides myself. Good ol’ Larry the Ladybug appears to like his new accomodation. I was sitting on my bed just a few minutes ago and doing my devotions, and he came and flitted over onto a piece of paper laying beside me. He then flew onto the side of my bed. Once I was done my reading, I came over to him with a piece of paper and tried to get him to walk onto it. I had debated whether to set him free or not, and I decided that probably life as an indoor ladybug wasn’t all that fulfilling. I just wanted to give him better opportunities in life, you know? Meet a lovely female ladybug, start a family, and go onto bigger and better things. But as I held the paper right next to him to jump on, he just sort of shrugged his shoulders (wait, do ladybugs have shoulders?) and wouldn’t budge. I made my intents clear – I wanted to give him a better life. But it seems that he enjoys my room. I’ve seen him almost every day for about the past three weeks, and as soon as I make it known that I’m in the room, he flies around somewhere, alerting me to his presence. I think a bond has formed.

But anyways, onto more interesting things. If you read that above paragraph, you’re likely thinking something like, “Wow, Jeff is such a fruitcake!” But that’s okay. I’m not, but when I have nothing better to talk about, it might just seem that way. Believe me, there are worse things to talk about. Well, actually, let me give you an example.

Over the past couple weeks, as an extra credit assignment for Data Management, I’ve been recording the number of times I blink in a day. I carry a notepad around with me, and as I blink, I mark a tick as a running tally. Average values in a day could range anywhere from about 3,500 to upwards of 6,000. My all-time high so far is 6,341 times. It’s really quite a challenging task, just because blinking is so natural for me. But anyways, at the end of the full two weeks, I’m going to make a chart, graphing the daily values according to the frequency. It’s really quite intriguing. The values range so much that I’m not sure that there’s a correlation. Perhaps I blink more on Tuesdays than Wednesdays. After all, the humidity last Tuesday was much lower than the following day – so perhaps my eyes get drier, and it becomes more imperative that I blink. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s an interesting assumption. I might have to investigate that in more detail – perhaps I’ll keep this process going for another couple weeks. I might as well record it for a whole month to give myself more data to draw from. But I don’t know, as I explain this, I find it quite interesting. I’ll likely blog about this more often – maybe even give a summary of the results from the day before. So stay tuned for more exciting details!

So there you have it. That’s an example of what I could talk about. Pretty brutal, eh? Just be glad that I don’t actually record my blinking habits. Goodness me, I would have to be the world’s most boring person to do that. And I’d also likely have no friends, because I’d have to interrupt them every two seconds to mark down a blink in my notebook. I mean, would anyone really be friends with someone like that? I somehow highly doubt it. I sure wouldn’t. So I guess that just goes to show you – I’m not as boring as I could be. Thank goodness! I’m sure suicide would definitely be a viable option in that circumstance. After all, I think a person with that little brain activity could be considered medically dead anyways. Ugh. I’m feeling nauseous just thinking about how boring that must be.

So onto better things. Sorry, this post has simply gone downhill ever since the words, “It seems as if…” Yes, I think that was really the best part of this entry, if not the ending of it. Unfortunately for you, however, you have not reached the end. Neither have I, now that I think about it. I really don’t know what the ending is going to be about. I’m sure it’ll be something exciting, like the alien abduction that happened to me today. So keep reading to find out about that; it’ll be good, I assure you. But as for now, let me see what else I can discuss. Today, right about the end of school, I suddenly didn’t feel too well. I’m not quite sure what it was, but right at the end of Data Management, I got a headache. I walked downstairs to my locker, and I felt short of breath. I mean, it wasn’t anything like staggering-around-trying-to-catch-breath lack of air, just sort of like, “Um, how does so little energy require so much oxygen?” I then proceeded to walk out the door out to the bus stop, and by that time, the shortness of breath and slight headache produced some sort of…bad feeling. I’m not really sure. The best way to describe it is like just after you’ve eaten an entire bag of cheesies accompanied by a pound of lard. I can’t say that I’ve ever done that myself, but it’s kind of a tightness in the chest, not a feeling like you’re going to be sick, but just like your esophagus shrunk and all your food is trying to ram its way through the now non-existant hole.

I’m sorry, I’m not sure I’m making any sense here. This entire entry is getting more and more confusing all the time. But anyways, let’s just say that I didn’t feel too good coming home on the bus. The feeling passed after a few minutes, but I would have still preferred to just have skipped the whole thing to begin with. But oh well. That’s really, quite literally the most exciting part of my day. That’s not to say that I didn’t have a good day, but just that it wasn’t flying-through-the-air exciting. Lunchtime and third period spare was basically spent walking around with Kristin. We walked to Shopper’s, and I got M&M’s. Then we walked back and proceeded to smuggle them into the library. Once we got inside, though, I realized that a) there was really no way to pull them out and not be seen by the librarian eating them, and b) they were peanut M&M’s, which aren’t the greatest things to be eating near people that might have serious peanut allergies. So I smartened up, and we left the library to go sit in the cafeteria instead. Boy, I’m smart. Of course, I would have been smarter to have thought of that in the first place. So anyways, now I’m a smuggler of potentially lethal substances. Hmm. Somehow I’ve never looked at it that way…

But anyways, I think I’ve pretty much exhausted my brain for right now. I’ve taken it and squeezed out every drop of interesting subject matter. Of course, some of the boring stuff spilled out as well, but that was unavoidable. As I said, just be glad that I’m not as boring as I could be. I think once a person reaches the epitome of mundaneness, they should be put into therapy. Then again, a person who sits and counts the number of times they blink might be put into a mental institution before they ever reach the epitome of mundaneness. Once you get there, you’re pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel. You’re pretty much the most boring thing since the number zero. I mean, historians claim that the invention of zero was amazing, since before that time, there was no way to signify nothing, but I reject that. After all, the Romans didn’t have a Roman numeral for zero, and they managed to create an impressively large empire and a sophisticated civilization. Zero just doesn’t look so important now, does it? But anyways, speaking of zero, I think that’s about the amount of importance this post has produced. I’ve gone from talking about ladybugs to blinking habits to esophagus shrinking to peanuts. So I think I need to end this before I end the universe with one massive collapse of the vacuum this entry has become. It is devoid of all excitement and interesting topics, and so it seeks to fill that void with anything and everything. Shloorp.

(That was the sound of the vacuum being filled. Thank you. That is all.)

2 responses to “Vacuum Sealed for Freshness”

Bethany Stewart

oooh Jeff.
I really did think you were actually recording every time you blinked… haha. I wondered how long it was taking you to write all that stuff when you had to stop to mark down each blink. But I’m glad you’re not that much of a freak.


Actually, after I wrote that, I decided that it wasn’t a half-bad idea after all. And today I’m up to 3657 blinks so far.

And gullible is written on the ceiling, too…