Last night was…interesting. Jordan called me up and asked if I wanted to do something, and I said sure. I had basically just gotten off a six-hour shift, but I decided that I was up for something. I was still bummed out by the fact that we weren’t having a band practice, actually. So he called me back and told me that people were going to be going to Kristin’s house, and then we might go and rent a movie or something. That was cool with me, so I went over there at about 8:00 PM. Once people got there, we started to look at the movies that she had at her house, and then we decided that we didn’t really want to watch a movie after all. I was basically up for anything, so Kristin suggested playing Survivor: The Board Game instead (I don’t know if that’s what it’s really called, but it’s based on the Survivor TV series, so whatever). So we played that, and Jordan won in the end – because he backstabbed me and broke our alliance. No, I’m not bitter at all. Hah, I ended up voting for him in the end anyways, and explained later that I decided to still honour our alliance, even though he hadn’t. Whatever. I just liked being the honourable one, really. Afterwards, we went to Tim Hortons for a while, then I drove Kristin, Erica, and Melissa home. I then drove home myself. Voila. That was last night in a nutshell.
Today I’m nervous. I’m not quite sure why, although I know the reason for it – if that makes sense. You see, tonight is the night that I speak at Life Groups. And while I can go up to anyone in the youth group and have a casual conversation with them, this is different. I’m not nervous about speaking, though. Well, in a way, I am, I suppose. Right now, I seem to have the reputation as being the “super-spiritual” one, and while I’m far from that, right now it’s okay. I’m not being shunned or anything. But a tiny part of me is afraid that I’m going to go and speak, and then they’ll think that I’m too good for them or something – even though I’m right smack dab in the same place that they are.
So that’s part of my nervousness. The other part is this: I’m afraid that I’ll end up taking over and not allowing God to speak through me. I’ve been praying for the past couple of weeks – ever since I was asked to do this, actually – that God would really show me what to say and help me say it. In other words, I don’t want to actually be the one speaking, but rather just be the mouthpiece that God speaks through. The only problem, though, is that, like all humans, we have a tendency to want to take over and do things ourselves. And in the case of speaking, the subtle difference between a “Christian message” and a message that God can use to change people is almost indistinguishable. It’s not like I can shut my brain off and just speak, after all. But if I end up just reading my outline, it will not only be incredibly short, but it also is a complete waste of time. I’ve been praying that God would work in the hearts of the people that will be coming tonight, so that what He says through me will actually have the ability to change people. After all, words don’t change people; the Holy Spirit does, and that’s what I want. On top of that, I’ve also been just praying that God would bring the people tonight that He knows need to be there. I must admit, I suggested some people to Him this morning, and I later had to ask for forgiveness when I realized that I had done that. It’s His job to decide who He wants to come, not mine. My job is to just speak what He lays within my heart – that’s it.
And so with that said, tonight is the big night. I’m hoping in faith that somehow God will be able to get past my faults and frailties and use this unclean tongue to change lives. If He is able to do that (and I know He is), then tonight will be worth it. If, however, I take over, it will all be a waste of time. That’s the true source of my nervousness. I know how easily I take over things normally, and I know I’m perfectly capable of doing it again. All I can do is pray that God will somehow get around that. After all, He was able to do it in the past, with the prophets and apostles. They were just ordinary men, and yet He used them in extraordinary ways. He gave them visions and messages, and they were so overcome with it that they had to share it. I can’t exactly say that I’m overcome with this message, but I am grateful for the chance that I have to help others. I understand that it’s nothing I can do in and of myself (and I’m not just being modest here), but even the thought that God could use me to change and help others excites me. It’s a privilege I don’t take lightly, and I hope I never do. I’m just expecting God to do something awesome here, and while it’s up to Him what He does, I’m just glad that I get front-row seats to see all the action take place. And if that means speaking to my friends about stuff I normally might not talk about, it’s still worth it.
Anyways, I guess that’s all I have to say today. I’ll be sure to post an update about it tomorrow, of course, so that all you people waiting with baited breath can, um, unbait yourselves. I’m just excited to see what God’s going to do! You know why? Well you had better, because He rocks! The fact that the God of the Christians is up there waiting and longing to help out His creation is what separates us from all other religions. And that, my friends, is what I call awesome. Like, truly awesome. Not the “Ooh, this pizza is so awesome” kind. I could go into a big long rant right now about how the meanings of words have been completely watered down, but I’ll bite my tongue. Or my fingers, in this case. Actually, scratch that idea. I’d like to keep those.