Cooking Calamities

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

Today has been a very exciting day! It’s been the most exciting day of my life! Well, okay, not really. I haven’t done too much today at all, and it’s quite boring. But there was one incident worth mentioning, and so that is what I shall do as of immediately.

I decided today that I wouldn’t have something stupid for lunch. Lately I’ve just grabbed whatever leftovers I can find or popped in some bread into the nifty machine we call the “toaster,” coming out with deliciously burnt toast. But today I decided I would have none of that. Today was not a day for burnt grain products – it was a day of adventure and exploration! So I explored the kitchen. Well, I didn’t actually explore the kitchen, because I’ve lived in this house for almost eighteen years and know approximately what the kitchen looks like, but within the confines of the kitchen, I explored the delicacies of fine cuisine. And what did I come up with? Egg McMuffins.

I suppose technically I can’t call them Egg McMuffins since that’s likely copyrighted by McDonalds. They’re more like English Muffins with Egg, Meat, and Cheese. But seeing as that’s a stupid name for them, I’ll continue to call them Egg McMuffins from here on out. I doubt McDonalds will care, since I’m advertising their product indirectly. But anyways, that’s not the point. Searching into the deep recesses of my mind where no traveler has dared to venture, I discovered that I thought I knew how to make these delicious Egg McMuffins. I took out the frying pan, got a couple eggs, grabbed some English muffins from the freezer and heated them up in the microwave (because I didn’t want them toasted), found some slices of Black Forest Ham in the fridge, and sliced up some cheese. Arming myself with my trusty egg flipper, I went to work to create the most wonderful delicacies the world has ever known.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t entirely successful in my mission. You see, it’s been so long since I even made anything like eggs that I couldn’t remember whether I was supposed to put butter in the frying pan or not. I decided I might as well, so I put a bit in and swished that around. I turned the burner up to 8 and cracked open my first egg, plopping it into the frying pan. Now, I’m not sure whether it was the butter or the high heat which did this, but as soon as the egg hit the surface of the pan, it immediately turned white and bubbled up. Within about twenty seconds, I decided to flip it over because it already looked done. I flipped it and found that the bottom was a nice shade of brown. I turned the stove down a bit and did the other side within about another twenty seconds. Plopping it down on my English muffin, I turned down the stove even more and tried the second egg. This one went a bit better, but I ended up turning the stove down to about 3 before I was finished. Both eggs were done in about a minute or two. I put the McMuffin together and then sat down at the table, offering up a quick prayer starting with, “Please God, make this edible.” Then I went to work.

All in all, the Egg McMuffins were quite good. I thought the eggs would be disgusting and taste burnt, but they were pretty good. The biggest problem with my so carefully prepared meal was that the cheese was too cold. I should have melted that onto the English muffins beforehand, but oh well. I finished them up and was pleased with the way they turned out in spite of the slightly suspicious preparation. The one egg was a little runny, but that wasn’t a problem for me. It was still excellent. You know, if I were actually good at making meals, I’d consider becoming a chef. However, I don’t think that’ll ever happen, considering my questionable preparation methods. I suppose I’d actually have to learn how to cook so I didn’t cause a mass outbreak of Inedible Breakfast Food Disease or something. But hey, at least I don’t get eggshell in my concoctions, like some people. Sheesh. Next thing you know, I’ll be making delicious filet mignons with a creamy avocado and mushroom sauce, served alongside succulent mashed potatoes with onion and chives. Served on the side would be more mushrooms, since rich, upper class people can never seem to get enough of those. Man, forget being a chef, I should be a menu writer. I could make people buy things they had never even heard of, just by using words like succulent. Besides, I’m not even sure whether avocados and mushrooms would taste good together or not…

Anyways, the preparation of lunch was basically the highlight of my day, so there’s not much else to talk about. I still haven’t heard anything from Cineplex, so I’ll have to call them. I mean, I don’t even know when I start working. You’d think they’d have told me that by now. But anyways, with that thought, I shall leave you all to your wonderful meals and go prepare my next batch of my world-renowned avocado and mushroom cookies, served with a succulent onion dip. Can’t you just taste the avocado? I could if only I knew what one tasted like. But I digress. My compliments to the chef.

Update: First off, I noticed that this was my 300th post! Hooray for me! That’s a whole lot of meaningless drivel. And now, here’s to more!

Second, I’ve been playing around with Photoshop this afternoon, and I made a couple more cool images. Check out my 3-D photo and also the picture of two clones I caught on film! The originals, along with the rest of the pictures are here. Ahh! Overload of Kristin!

2 responses to “Cooking Calamities”


Well Jeff, you sure have had fun with those pictures… i never knew they’d come back to haunt me quite as much as they have! it’s kinda creepy actually. Here Melissa and i were, just trying to take some pictures on your camera, and they end up all over the place on your blog! lol but it seems to have kept you occupied for a while too, so… i guess it was a win-win situation. except for all the people who have to look at them.


Yeah I know, it is pretty creepy. One Kristin is more than enough…lol but I get bored sometimes, so I fiddle around with Photoshop and do weird stuff. And that’s my story…