I’m not sure how exactly to start this, but I needed to write another entry today, and so I guess I’ll just jump right into it. Today is a strange day. I was perfectly fine for a while, and now suddenly I’ve become all reflective and stuff. I’m thinking about all sorts of things, and they’re all clogging up my brain like a big wad of toilet paper clogging up a toilet. Excuse the imagery.
I guess the easiest way to start is to do this in chronological order. It all started when Dare You To Move by Switchfoot came on. Earlier I had been grumbling and complaining, and right when that song came on, I started thinking, “Hmm, I guess I need to ask for God’s forgiveness. It’s sin after all.” I was feeling all guilty about it, and then that song just kind of hit me. I hadn’t even been listening to it really, but as soon as it said, “Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell,” I realized what it was talking about. All of this…I don’t know, stuff…just slammed into me like a freight train, and my brain couldn’t process it fast enough. I just sort of sat there for a minute or two, trying to focus.
I then began searching the archives of this blog of mine to look for the time when this happened before. I remember it happening, but I didn’t know when, and so I went to look. As I did so, I started clicking on days from the past and reading what I wrote. And then that hit me just as strong as the other thoughts did. Here I have a journal of my life; its a recollection of almost every day of my life since the end of last year, and when I read old entries, it’s like looking back through time. I know other people can’t have this feeling, but I can remember writing each and every one of these. I can remember what I felt at the time, and what I was going through. And suddenly I notice the changes in me since that point in time.
Lately I’ve noticed that I’ve been slipping. I told myself that I wouldn’t let go of my faith this summer like I did last summer, and now I’m going and doing it all over again. It’s a struggle sometimes just to keep myself on the right track. Near the beginning of my blog, I see myself much like I am right at this point. As I move closer to the present, I see a great spiritual revival where I was overjoyed to be reading God’s Word and praising Him. Now, I’m starting to slip back into my old ways, and I need to cut this off and stop it right now. I have to. Without God, nothing is worth anything, and this life loses its meaning. I won’t let go of Him, and with all the other stuff in my life trying to tear away my grip, I really need some supernatural duct tape to keep me close to Him.
Then I hit one entry. I don’t even remember what it was about, but I quoted the verse saying how nothing could ever separate us from the love of God. Nothing. Not heaven, not hell, not other people, not even ourselves, can tear us out of His grip. I don’t have to hold onto God because He’s holding on to me. I can be secure in that fact, knowing that He won’t let go. Like a third freight train, this stuff just all hit me. God has everything in control, and I need to be more concerned with helping others up into God’s hand than falling out myself. The problem of my insecurity comes not from God’s wobbly grip, but my blurred vision. I perceive myself as being insecure because I can’t see clearly. I guess most of the reason why I decided to write this was to help remind myself of that. I know I’ll one day look back on this and see that, and perhaps it will help in the future.
The final thing that hit me was the memories of the past. As I continued to look through my old blog entries, I saw evidence of happiness and good times. Sure, there are some that are sombre or even downright depressing. But the majority of them are filled with the highlights of my day – the happy times that I want to remember. There was one day in particular that I was wanting to remember perhaps about a week back or so, and I couldn’t remember when it happened. Today I found that day, and I’m definitely glad I did. I’m not going to say what day that was, because that’s just not important, but it’s helping me piece together some bits of one of my friend’s life. The more I remember about the past, the easier it is for me to see what’s going on in their life now. I’m not sure if that makes sense or not, but oh well. Finding that blog entry was sure helpful.
I guess that’s all I have to say about this subject. I’m still in a strange mood, but at least my mind is a bit lighter after unloading these thoughts. After supper, I’ll likely go up and read some books that I need to read, one of them being the Bible. But for now, I leave this entry here for my future self. If ever I’m in doubt about who I am in Christ, I want myself to know that I don’t have to be. It’s all written down in a book that was authored by the One who knows all, and He’s lovingly shared that with me. All I have to do is read it.