I’m not sure what to write about today (like most every other day). Today was really long and boring. Three classes with Mr. Gillmore are enough to make anyone go insane. I suppose if you’re already insane, though, it’s not as bad. I wouldn’t know, though, of course. Anyways, I just haven’t been feeling too well lately – not physically, but emotionally. I’ve just been feeling…blah. That’s the only word to describe it. I mean, part of it I think has to do with my horrible sleeping patterns, but somehow I don’t think that’s it. It’s pretty pathetic since I’m doing a Bible study on Philippians right now – a book all about joy. Isn’t it ironic that the time I’m least joyful is the time when I’m reading a book on joy?
Anyways, last night was a little screwed up. I was going pretty crazy over some stupid stuff. I mean, I still stand by what I said in my blog yesterday, but I’ve got more of a handle on myself now. It was pretty messed up, though. I went to church in the morning and was talking to the Tozers, who asked me if I could phone Jordan this afternoon and ask if he wanted to come to the Last Chance presentation at our church. I said sure, and that afternoon, I tried getting ahold of him; however, the line was busy. I called back a couple other times with no success. So, since my parents had to go an hour early and I didn’t really want to do that, I decided to stay home instead. Well, it turns out that Jordan and Angie were on the phone most of the afternoon, and that’s why I couldn’t get through. It also turns out that both of them were there last night. So that was pretty stupid of me. I should have just gone and slept for an hour or something instead of being stupid and hanging around at home. Instead, now, I promised my parents that I’d go tonight – and I doubt any of my friends will be there. I tried getting someone at school to go with me, but everyone I asked had things to do and couldn’t come. So that’s a bummer. I’m just going to have to go there and make the best of it, I suppose.
Anyways, I haven’t been feeling good at all, and I hate how I’m feeling less and less that I can trust on God. I mean, I know He’s up there, but he seems really far away (if something like that can really be felt), which makes it really hard for me to try and pursue Him. I’m really just feeling a lack of motivation to do that. I suppose it may have something to do with the inductive Bible study I’m working through. I haven’t found it as beneficial as I thought I would. It’s more geared to a group setting, and while I’ve definitely learned stuff from it, I think it would be much better if I were working through it with a group of people. I’ve done that with the book of Jude, and it was really helpful. With that said, though, I don’t think that a type of Bible study should determine how close I get to God. After all, it’s my job to draw close to Him, not the job of the book to tell me what to do. In the end, it comes down to what I have in my heart – my desire to pursue God. Lately, I’ve been up and down violently in my passion to serve God, and that’s not usual for me. I’m usually a pretty stable guy, but now I’m on fire for Him one day, and the next day I barely have the energy to get up, let alone serve God. I suppose perhaps it’s His way of saying, “Knock knock, Jeff, you need to rely on Me, not try and do everything yourself.” It’s just so hard sometimes.
This blog is filled with statements from me of desire to get deeper with God. And when I really think about it, I have that desire deep down. The problem is that it’s so deep down in there that I have to think about it hard in order to find it. During the day, God really doesn’t come up in my thoughts. And that’s bad. I hate it that I can’t seem to do that, although I can definitely see progress. Sometimes I’ll just have a verse pop into my head that applies to something, and right now that’s about all that’s sustaining me. I get so discouraged about my relationship with God, and I’m trying to work so hard to just cut that discouragement out of my life. I know that God’s disappointed, but that doesn’t slow Him down from pursuing me. I just can’t seem to shake the past and how I’ve let Him down by not spending every waking moment of the day searching for Him. It’s like trying to find a lost or missing person, but only searching for ten minutes each day. It’d be pathetic – you’d never find them, or they’d be long dead when you finally did. It’s like that with me and God. I can’t just sit down for ten minutes each day and talk to God and have a nice little conversation with Him. It has to be a constant thing.
I suppose I’m a work in progress, though. And I know I’ve definitely made progress from where I was even just one month ago. God’s changing me, and that’s a great feeling. It’s just hard not to be disappointed that I haven’t let Him change me more than He has. But anyways, I’m done writing for today. As I was writing this, I just checked Central’s youth group website, and Angelie and some others left some really encouraging messages for me (since I’m on “The Hot Seat” right now, where everyone writes something encouraging about you). I’ll have to keep a mental note to thank them for what they’ve said. After all, I could use the practice.