Pesky, Pesky Females

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

Once again, I am at a loss for words. Besides all of my words being twisted around to mean something they didn’t actually mean, nothing much happened today. If you want an example of this, you need look no further than Steph herself. Somehow girls have the annoying ability to take everything – and I mean everything – the wrong way. A while ago, on a blog far, far away (actually, on this blog, April 2nd, 2005), I was writing about how she was pestering me to know who I liked, and the funny thing was that “I really don’t even have anyone I like.” That’s an exact quote. And somehow she tried to make that seem that the “really” meant that it wasn’t “really” and that there actually is someone I like. Then, to prove her point, she used this: “I mean, I have a few girls that I wouldn’t mind going out with, but I’m not obsessed with anyone. I would like some if they liked me, but I’m not going to waste my time trying to get them to. And some of them were there last night, too.” She then said that since “some of them were there,” that implies that I liked someone that was there. But she managed to miss the entire point of the paragraph, which was that I don’t like anyone. But still, a month later, she can’t understand it. This frustrates me.

I cannot stand how women turn everything around to mean exactly what they want it to mean. You know what? Not everyone’s cryptic. Just because they never say what they mean, that doesn’t mean that guys don’t either. For the most part, unless we’re blatantly lying, we say what we mean and we mean what we say. If I say that “I have a red truck,” that either means that I have a red truck, or that I’m lying and I actually don’t (in this case, I do not, in fact, have a red truck). But there’s no hidden meaning there. A woman would look at that sentence and managed to come up with some crazy theory that it’s suggesting something stupid that it’s really not. Like, since I have a red truck, I must mean that it’s a fire truck, which means I must be a fireman, which means that I’m implying that I’m hot since I get close to fires. But really, I’m just saying I have a red truck. End of story.

Maybe that’s the reason I’ve never wanted to get into a relationship with anyone lately. I mean, there are a few girls that I can actually stand, but most of them are so frustratingly annoying that I couldn’t stand admitting to the world that I was actually going out with them. I don’t know. Maybe I just meet all the annoying girls. But it’s really stupid how idiotic most of them are. If Steph is reading this, I have to tell you that you need to just stop trying to analyze everything I say. Last week she asked me if I liked Kristy. I said no. I meant no. After about twenty minutes, I think she actually understood that I didn’t actually like Kristy (although I’m not thoroughly convinced that I got my message through). I mean, Kristy is a nice girl. She’s a great friend, although we don’t hang out all that much. I would even go out with her if she liked me. But the point is that she doesn’t, and so I’m not going to waste my time by being obsessed with a girl who doesn’t like me. I’ve tried it before, and it’s pointless. There’s a difference between actually liking someone and just having them on your list of possibilities. I have several girls that I would go out with if I were to find out that they liked me. That doesn’t mean I like any one of them.

So now it’s Melissa. I was talking (or arguing) with Steph at Track and Field as she was trying somehow to convince me that I liked her. She said that several people had asked her if I liked Melissa, and I eventually got out of her that Melissa herself was one of those people. Now, if I were to be cryptic, like these stupid females, then I could try and figure out how she asked Steph the question: was it more of a “Does Jeff like me or something?” meaning that she thinks I like her and wants to figure out how to let me down easily, or was it a “Do you think Jeff likes me?” meaning that she desperately wants me, and hopes the feeling is mutual. While I think the second option is much more likely, since everyone obviously wants me, I’m not going to go any further in my analysis, for one simple reason: it’s a complete waste of time. If she likes me, fine. That doesn’t change anything. I flirt with her already, and if she likes me, she’ll be receptive to it, so it really doesn’t matter. If she doesn’t like me, well then, so far she’s been receptive, so why should she change her mind? However, if I give Steph a straight answer to give back to Melissa, her actions toward me will change. The knowledge of either option will automatically change her perception of me. It’s inevitable. Considering I don’t want her to change how she’s acting toward me (either to talk to me less or talk to me more), why would I have any motivation to tell anyone who I like? It makes no sense.

So there you have it. That’s my overview of the female brain. And that’s just scratching the surface. I could get into reverse psychology if I really wanted to, and could probably write an entire book on the subject – of course, getting confused all the while at why females are so pathetically stupid. But I really don’t want to. I’m not going to answer any questions to anyone about who I like, or who I don’t like. If you read this and automatically assumed that I either do or don’t like one of the following (insert Kristy, Melissa, Steph, or anyone else here), you’re wrong. Any assumption you make about me is wrong. I will do my own thing in my own time, and any attempts to get information out of me will fail. Any attempts to get me to like someone will only discourage me, and any attempts to deter me from liking someone will only encourage me. Man, you’d think some people would read the fine print. I should really print this up in writing and get every girl I know to sign this saying they acknowledge these facts as inevitable. Sometimes it’s like a freakin’ soap opera at my school, and I hate it. I hate all this “do you like so-and-so?” stuff. If I do, so what? What does that matter? And if I don’t, what does it matter to you? What business is it of yours who I like or don’t like?

And just to dispel any doubts that may still be lingering, the reason I am making a big deal about this is not: a) because I like a certain individual, b) because I don’t like a certain individual, or c) because I am trying to hook up with a certain individual. No, the reason I made a big deal out of this whole thing is because I’m frustrated and want this whole thing to stop. The next time someone asks me if I like someone, I’m going to blow up at them, and it’s not going to be pretty. Girls should understand that I don’t share information in my life freely, and if they want to know who I like, then they should wait until I freely give up that information instead of trying to pry it out of me with a crowbar. Don’t ever think that you’re privileged enough to know stuff about me unless I’ve given it to you out of my own free will. Prying information from people is not friendship.

And there, I’ve said what I needed to say. I’ve gotten it all off my back, and I certainly feel much better now. There’s nothing else I wish to say, since the day was relatively uneventful, so I’ll make sure to find something good for tomorrow. If nothing exciting happens, I’ll go jump off a building or something just so I have something to write about. Until tomorrow, shalom.

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