One of the Seven Wonders of the Hair World

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

Nothing of interest happened today. At all. But I suppose that’s a typical Monday morning. Everyone seemed pretty dead. So I suppose this should be a short entry. You never know, though. I tend to always get onto some strange topic, even when there’s nothing to talk about.

Coming home on the bus today was interesting. The bus going from the mall to my house was fairly full of people using the two attached seats to fit one person, so I took the last available two-seater – for myself. That put me behind these two girls that looked like they were probably 13 or 14. Anyways, the one girl’s bangs were massive; I sat there almost in shock from the sheer size of them. I mean, I think bangs on girls are disgusting 90% of the time, but that doesn’t include massive bangs that start at the crown of your skull and go all the way to your eyebrows (slight exaggeration).

So there I sat with my music in my ears, staring at this girl’s bangs. Suddenly she turned around, and just as lightning-quick I turned my head away. I think she saw me looking at her, though, and so I could see her glancing out of the corner of her eyes at me while talking to her friend for the rest of the bus ride. It was horrible. I mean, not only is this girl probably 4 or 5 years younger than me, but on top of that, she’s got bangs that rival the length of hair of the wooly mammoth before humans invented the razor (never mind the obvious fact that wooly mammoths were long extinct before that time – it would ruin the metaphor). So I tried to keep myself from looking up to the front of the bus, so I could make sure that she wouldn’t get the wrong idea and start stalking me or something. Young’uns these days are pretty unpredictable. It was pretty awkward, though. I mean, it’s not my fault that she draws attention to herself through her massive bangs that look like eyebrows on steroids. I’d think that she’d get people staring at her all the time – not that they were staring out of interest, but rather out of shock. Anyways, I was glad to get off that bus and away from the furtive glances of Miss Massive-Locks. I’m also glad that I didn’t look to get that last glance of the Niagara Falls of the hair world as I left to get off the bus. I suspect she was likely trying to give me her number or something.

The moral of the story: Girls, get rid of those bangs. No matter how you try to make them look good, they just don’t. If you want to draw attention to yourself, get a mohawk. It’ll still give you all the stares you want, with less people making fun of you. After all, you can’t make fun of someone with a mohawk. ‘Cause that’s just friggin’ sweet.

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