Being Nice, Self-Defense

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

Today was Be Nice To Melissa Day for me. It was also Be Nice To Jeff Day for her. Yesterday we agreed to be nice to each other for one day. Boy, that was a struggle. I think we both screwed up at least a couple times, but I suppose it was fun. I’m looking forward to being able to burn her really bad tomorrow, though. Insert the maniacal laugh of your choice here.

I’m starting to really hate Law classes. Lana suddenly gets these ideas to put all the desks in a semicircle for no apparent reason, and then sits beside me so she can knock all the books off my desk constantly – again, for no apparent reason. Last time it was Lana and Holly that pushed them off. This time it was Lana and Bethany. Yes, Bethany Stewart, the person who at one point wouldn’t hurt a fly. My, I’ve brought her up well. She’s now almost as violent as me – except I can never get her to even punch me. It’s pretty funny actually. She’ll hit Zac when he disses her, and then I’ll diss her and she’ll just get mad. I can already see the puppy love forming toward me. Excuse me while I go throw up.

Where was I? Oh yes, people pushing stuff off my desk. This behaviour is similar to the other times when I’ve been attacked by girls that try and put my hair in a ponytail or try to braid it or something. I always manage to evade them – well, except for that time when I was really tired and just had no energy to struggle. But other times, I’ve been marauded by three or four girls and still managed to get away – usually by completely relaxing so I slip right under my desk. Then I either make a break for the guys’ washroom or I stand my ground and fight off the masses of arms, legs, and sharp teeth. It’s much more of a fair fight when I’m standing up; at least I have a chance to defend myself against the surprise attack by the horde of females. Sometimes I really wish I had more guys in my class to help defend against the female invaders; I mean, Jon only laughs at me because he has short hair and has always been partial to women anyway. I don’t mean that in the way that he’s straight (although he is), but rather that he respects them to the point of not even being able to touch them. So there I am, left to fend for myself. Sheesh.

Anyways, Bethany decided to assign a day for me to be nice to everyone, so I’m planning to be sick that day. That way I can just avoid everyone, and therefore be nice to them – or at least not be mean to them. It’s an ingenious plan, really. Okay, well not exactly, but I’m still working on it. Perhaps I could adopt relativism to suit my needs; “Well, maybe you think it’s mean, but I think I’m nice, and therefore that’s what’s right for me. Stop trying to impose your beliefs on me!” Hmm, that might just work. At the very least, it’ll confuse the weaker-minded individuals in my class, who shall remain nameless; I’ll just mention that each and every one of them are female.

But anyways, I think I’ll survive the rest of the school year. After all, I’m tough. Bring it. Just give me a second, though – I have to have an adequate head-start.

2 responses to “Being Nice, Self-Defense”


Bethany Stewart would indeed hurt a fly. She has, on many occasions. Hi Jeff. It’s Emily, Bethany’s sister. And don’t be all surprised about the hitting. She’s actually quite a hitter. Not that her wimpy fists do any damage =).

Oh yeah…there is no puppy love on her part towards you…sorry. =)haha!


Oh I would definitely have to disagree with you there. I mean, technically, you could even say she’s hitting on me, even when she doesn’t hit me…Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch, but hey – whatever works to embarrass someone. Or someone’s sister, in this case. Yes, your sister is hitting on me. 😛

*cough* Thanks for the comment 😛