Well, happy Easter Sunday everyone! I must admit, I’m not feeling in the happy mood today, though. While it likely partially has to do with being woken up at 6:50 AM to go to the 8:00 Sunrise Service, there’s also some other reasons why I’m not very happy. More on that later.
The service started at 8:00 and I was on Powerpoint, so I had to get all the songs ready while still feeling groggy. After that, a lady spoke for a few minutes. I forget who she was – she was introduced, of course, but I forget what church she was from. After she spoke, everyone headed over to the Brantford Mall to watch The Passion of the Christ at the Cineplex Odeon theatre. Our church had set that up with the theatre people, and also set up The Prince of Egypt for the kids in another theatre since The Passion of the Christ is rated 18A and is pretty gory. I wasn’t really interested in watching the movie. Although I’m sure it would likely be powerful for me to watch, I also don’t need to be watching all that violence. I mean, I could probably handle it, but I don’t want to handle it. I’ve seen some pretty gory movies before, and I didn’t like watching them at all. The Hostage wasn’t that gory of a movie, but one guy gets a knife stabbed through his cheek, and you see him pull it out. He then later lights himself on fire. I didn’t like watching that, and it was only about 30 seconds in total out of the entire movie.
Anyways, so that’s what was happening today. My parents drove to the theatre and then I drove home. They’ll then call me when they’re done, and I’ll pick them up. Heh. It’s like what usually happens, only in reverse. Instead of me going to a movie and needing a ride, it’s the other way around. That’s sort of ironic, I suppose. It’d be a lot better, though, if they were sneaking off somewhere else or something. Although it wouldn’t then be an exact reversal, it’d be a lot more ironic. I should ask them to call me and let me know where they are if they decide to go to a friend’s house afterward.
I told you I’d get back to why I’m not very happy today. Basically it has to do with the fact that we’re supposed to be remembering what Jesus did for us to save us and conquer sin, and here I’ve been sinning. I’ve been trying hard to focus on Him and deepen my relationship with Him in a time where deepening it is definitely made easy, and yet I feel distanced from Him instead. And the horrible part is that I know why I’m distanced from Him. Here He was saying, “Oh yes, My children are now at the time of the year where they remember My death and resurrection!” and then I went and put up this giant wall. I keep doing this to myself. It’s the whole mind vs. body battle, where one half of me is telling God that I want Him more than anything, and the other half of me is doing everything to get away from Him.
It’s like two cars facing opposite directions and driving away from each other, all the while tied to each other with a rope. That rope is me – one car is my mind, the other is my body, and the rope is what holds them both together. And I wish I could just turn off my body’s engine and let my mind drag it along with it towards God. Unfortunately, my body’s car is being fed the constant supply of gasoline known as sin, supplied by the gas line of temptation, and I can’t get the pump out of my gas tank. The problem is that I can’t avoid temptation altogether – it’s always going to be there. I must stand against it, and also avoid the situations in which I’m most tempted. That’s where the second big problem comes in.
Lately I’ve been feeling a big sense of loneliness. There’s no one that I really connect with, and those that I can connect with, I never see frequently enough to connect with them. In particular, I feel lonely for someone female. I’m not lusting for sex or anything, either. I just want someone to love. I’ve always felt this way. I’ve always wanted someone to pour out all my love to. And I know I’m supposed to love everyone, and I try to, but I want that special someone to pour out even more love to – and have an excuse to as well.
I hate sitting here night after night alone. I hate sitting here with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to talk to. Sure, I have people on MSN, and that holds me over sometimes, but there’s some times when you have to talk to someone in person. I haven’t had a serious conversation in person with someone for months. There just hasn’t been the opportunity. When I hang out with people, it’s always in groups, and so I never get the chance to talk to one person and have a meaningful conversation with them. I hate it. I can’t stand it anymore, and I don’t know what to do about it either. The friends I have are just too busy with a job or too far away to really see a lot. Everyone else just seems to be interested in having some fun with me and never really care how I am as long as I can make them laugh and have a good time. Is that how I’m supposed to feel? Am I never supposed to feel anything serious? Am I never supposed to have feelings other than “having fun” or “boredom”? If so, then I suppose I’m doing a pretty good job at hiding the other feelings I have, because everyone seems to think I have none.
Feelings are such a horrible curse. I mean, sometimes they bring so much joy into our lives, but most of the time they just end up bringing you pain. I don’t want to have fun. I don’t even care what I do, as long as I do something. And here I am, spouting out these feelings on my blog, because I have no one else to tell them to. How pathetic is that? I mean, everyone says that God is more than enough, and that you can always talk to God, and I know that’s true – but there’s some times when you just get tired of talking to an invisible person somewhere up there. There’s some times when you just can’t tell all your feelings to empty air. I need someone there who I can see. I need someone to talk to and someone who can talk back to me. I guess I just need to find someone who actually cares enough to sit down and talk with me.
Anyways, I’m done venting, or spouting, or rambling, whatever that was. I guess I can’t stand talking to a screen either.