As I sit here, I’m at a loss for words about what to say today. School was average, nothing exciting or interesting happened today, and I have no major issues or concerns to talk about. Everything’s just at a precarious balance right now, I suppose. Everyone seemed to generally be in a good mood today, with a few individual exceptions, but the mood of the classroom was fairly cheerful. We were all just joking around and laughing, something which doesn’t always happen, but perhaps it has something to do with spring coming along. Then again, when I went outside after school to catch the bus, it was snowing and windy. That wasn’t very fun. But I’m still glad that spring is on its way and I can finally get out of my winter coat – or at least, I will be able to soon, once I can be sure that it’s not suddenly going to snow like today.
I’m feeling better about this whole North Park thing for the most part. Last night I got reminded that I can get my full G license in June, and I had completely forgotten about that. I’m going to have to book that sometime soon, but my sole focus has been school for next year, so it hadn’t even crossed my mind. I can’t say that I’m too eager to do a test like that, considering that June is when I’m supposed to enroll for North Park, and I’m going to be trying to find a job as well at that point – if I don’t already have one. I’m also going to be dealing with exams in June, as well as getting prepared for graduation. Yes, June is a busy month, and I’m not exactly sure that it’s going to be the best time to add another thing to do on top of the growing pile.
I may put off getting my G license for a little while, maybe a couple months, until I’m settled with a few other things. After all, it only lets me do two extra things: drive with more people in the car than the number of seatbelts, and drive with more alcohol in my system. I doubt I’ll be doing the first, and I never drive with any alcohol in my system anyways, so the second doesn’t really affect me. The only reason I need to actually get my G license is because after five years from the time of getting your G1, if you don’t have your full G license, you have to go all the way back to get your G1 and try again. It’s a five-year constraint, and although as of this June I will only have gone through about a year and eight months, give or take a few days, I want to get my license before going off to university, where it will be much harder to get it done.
With all the upcoming things, I sometimes wish something would just happen to me unexpectedly – like I get run over by a train while sitting in my home or something. I mean, I’m not at the point of contemplating suicide or anything (though I have been before), but sometimes I just get so apprehensive about everything coming up in my life that I just wish I didn’t have to go through it all. Perhaps I’d get kidnapped by some terrorists and taken back to the Middle East, where I would live out the rest of my days in a dank prison cell. It’d almost be preferrable to going through everything I’m about to go through. Almost.
I suppose I’m thinking too much like a woman, multi-tasking so I start freaking out about everything at once instead of focusing on one thing at a time and getting it done before moving onto the next. The only problem is that it’s not possible to do that in this circumstance. Too many things have just collided into one certain point in my life, and although to some extent I’ve stretched it out over a few years, it’s still going to be a lot of stuff all crammed into this summer. I know what I have to do, it’s just a matter of doing it, and that’s the hard part. I mean, I need to focus on this school year so that I get good marks – it’s going to show up on all the university applications and is essential in order for me to get into any good universities. On the other hand, I’m supposed to be thinking about getting a job for the summer, enrolling for next year, and getting my driver’s license. None of those are minor issues, as I’m going to need money from the job, courses from school next year, and to get my license before going off to university. I now know how people that hate public speaking must feel right before going out to speak publicly. Though I’ve never really had that fear myself, I’m developing long-term butterflies in my stomach, butterflies that have no intentions of going away anytime soon. It’s not like pacing back and forth backstage 10 minutes before speaking in front of an audience. It’s more like knowing that every move I make is going to affect the rest of my life, and each of those moves is going to have to be made simultaneously, and now I’m dreading the prospect of three months down the road. That’s three months’ worth of butterflies.
That’s why I wish something would happen to me. I just want a brick to fall on my head or something so I have an excuse to get out of some of these things, or at least delay some to spread them out over a longer period of time. Once I get going, I’m hoping it won’t be too bad, but it’s getting up the strength to motivate myself that is producing a complete lack of motivation to even get started. It’s like looking at a mountain that must be climbed in order to get to the other side – no shortcuts at all. Right now I feel like saying, “Screw climbing the mountain; I’ll just camp right here.” Unfortunately, I don’t even have that option. I must climb the mountain, because I couldn’t live with myself knowing I didn’t achieve anything from my life. I must achieve, and yet to achieve I must motivate myself to achieve. That’s easier said than done when you’re staring up at a huge mountain.
Of course, the easiest way to tackle a mountain is one step at a time. Mountain climbers take weeks just to acclimatize themselves to the lower air pressure and lack of oxygen. They climb partway up a mountain and then climb back down just to get their body used to it. Unfortunately, I don’t even have that option. I must climb the mountain, and I must do it now. I can’t get used to sitting where I am halfway up the mountain; I must climb it all and then plant my flag at the top. And so, being utterly unprepared for a mountain climb for which I can only see two steps ahead of me, the only option I am left with is prayer. I’m giving all this apprehension to God, because He’s the only person that will actually be able to help me tackle the mountain. He’s going to lead me on the best path to the top, and I’m going to trust where He leads me. I have to. There’s no other option. If I try to do it on my own, I’m going to get lost and end up back where I started, flat on my back. He’s the only one that can help me now. The best thing I can do is get as much equipment as I can before the climb actually begins. The more tools I have and the more prepared I am, the easier it will be. Unfortunately, in order to gather the equipment, it means I’ll constantly have to be thinking about the giant mountain. It’s not a prospect I’m looking forward to. To all of you who are reading this and are Christians, please pray for me. I need it. Pray that I would be able to start the climb smoothly and that I would be able to manage everything I need to get done wisely so I don’t end up being unprepared when I thought I was. Pray for God’s guidance in my life, that He would show me the way and that I would follow – sometimes I’m as dumb as a sheep and am too stubborn to follow. Just pray. Thank you.