I’m giving You my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King
I’m giving You my dreams, I’m laying down my rights
I’m giving up my pride, for the promise of new life
And I surrender
All to You, all to You
I’m singing You this song, I’m waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain
We sang this song at church this morning. My heart just wasn’t in it today and I had to stop singing because I knew that I’d be lying to God. He’s just feeling really distant right now, and though I’ve been trying hard to get closer to Him through reading Scripture, Reading The Purpose-Driven Life, and praying daily – even recording my prayers in a prayer journal, things just don’t seem to be working right now. I know He’s there. I even thanked him for that yesterday, that He is always there even when it doesn’t feel like it. I trust that He is. But to surrender to a God who just doesn’t seem to be there right now? I’m not sure that I can at the moment.
I’ve got to sort things out in my head, and although I still will try my best to “surrender all to Him,” I truly just can’t sing that song without knowing that I’m not doing what the song says. I haven’t given Him my heart, I haven’t laid it all down, I haven’t given him my dreams and laid down my rights, and I haven’t even given up my pride. I wish I could say that. I wish that so badly. But right now I just don’t even feel worthy enough to have God accept my surrender. I know that He loves me, but if I sing this song of surrender on Sunday morning and then live for myself the rest of the week, that makes me a horrible hypocrite. And I know I’m going to be living for myself this week. I’m working on that, but I’m still not at the point where I can integrate God throughout my life instead of putting Him in a little box and letting Him out once a week. Until I’ve surrendered, I don’t want to say that I have.