Surrender

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

I’m giving You my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down, for the sake of You my King
I’m giving You my dreams, I’m laying down my rights
I’m giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

And I surrender
All to You, all to You

I’m singing You this song, I’m waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You, for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain

We sang this song at church this morning. My heart just wasn’t in it today and I had to stop singing because I knew that I’d be lying to God. He’s just feeling really distant right now, and though I’ve been trying hard to get closer to Him through reading Scripture, Reading The Purpose-Driven Life, and praying daily – even recording my prayers in a prayer journal, things just don’t seem to be working right now. I know He’s there. I even thanked him for that yesterday, that He is always there even when it doesn’t feel like it. I trust that He is. But to surrender to a God who just doesn’t seem to be there right now? I’m not sure that I can at the moment.

I’ve got to sort things out in my head, and although I still will try my best to “surrender all to Him,” I truly just can’t sing that song without knowing that I’m not doing what the song says. I haven’t given Him my heart, I haven’t laid it all down, I haven’t given him my dreams and laid down my rights, and I haven’t even given up my pride. I wish I could say that. I wish that so badly. But right now I just don’t even feel worthy enough to have God accept my surrender. I know that He loves me, but if I sing this song of surrender on Sunday morning and then live for myself the rest of the week, that makes me a horrible hypocrite. And I know I’m going to be living for myself this week. I’m working on that, but I’m still not at the point where I can integrate God throughout my life instead of putting Him in a little box and letting Him out once a week. Until I’ve surrendered, I don’t want to say that I have.

Help?

3 responses to “Surrender”

Derek

I’m curious to know why it is that we consider hypocrisy to be so much worse than the sins that indicate it. It’s like we say that being a hypocrite (essentially, lying) is worse a sin than the sinning that results in hypocrisy.

Why do we consider it to be ‘worse’? It’s all sin. It’s all the same. I’m not saying that hypocrisy is ok; it’s not. But at the same time, it isn’t a ‘worse’ sin.

Derek

On a different note…

That feeling of guilt – that’s what God uses to break us. To draw us back into fellowship with Him. Guilt isn’t a bad thing. It’s God poking us in the side, saying, “here’s something you need to fix. Now.”

So with respect to you not singing Surrender because of the guilt … well, use it as a chance to surrender. Even if it is just for 20 minutes Sunday morning.

I’ve said it before that if all God ever got of me was one-sentence prayers and a few scattered thoughts throughout the day, that would be better than nothing at all. So strive for excellence, perfection; but don’t kill yourself if you don’t attain it. Remember that you’re still a human being, like the rest of us. 😉

Jeff

Thanks for the comments, Derek. Basically I’m just sort of feeling this sense of I’m not good enough. Not “I’m not good enough for God,” but rather, “I’m not good enough for my own standards that I’ve set.” I continually tell myself and God that I’m going to do something and then I utterly fail at it. I know I can’t be perfect but I’ve been trying so hard to get there. I love God so much and I just want to do all I can for Him, and yet when I try to do those things, I end up falling short once again.

Pastors are always saying how once God forgives us, He won’t bring it up again, so we don’t have to beat ourselves up for failing Him again. But how is one supposed to go about doing that? The fact is that I’m addicted to sin, and no matter how hard I’m trying to break free of the addiction, I’m constantly convicted of the failure, because each time I sin, I realize that it was wrong, and then I offer up one of those “Please forgive me again, God” prayers. I’ve been on the verge of just giving up sometimes, but I can’t do that either. I can’t just walk away from what I know to be the truth, and so I’m caught in between knowing something and yet failing at it.

Anyways, I’ve gone on for way too long about this, but there’s just some things I need to get off my chest…

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