Surrender (Part 2)

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

Since I’ve been on the topic of surrender, and since nothing useful or important happened at all today, I’ll blog about a poem that I made a while ago, back in April 2004, and totally forgot about now. I was looking on the disk with all my poems for a perfect one that described what I was feeling right now, and I found. It’s kind of strange that I wrote it almost a year ago, and yet even though I’ve gone far astray from God and then back closer to Him once again, I’m still in the same place as before. I’m closer than I was before, and yet I’m still so far away. This choice to surrender is a daily decision that I must keep making, and I wish I could just make a habit of it and be done with the choices. I wish I didn’t have to choose so often, because too many times I make the wrong choice. But, with no further ado, I present “I Surrender,” by me:

I’m sick of trying to figure stuff out,
I’m sick of failing again.
I just want You to take over my life
And make me new again.

My life has spun out of control,
And I try to remedy the problem.
But only You can set it back on track,
Please fix me up again.

You’re all I want, though I don’t always show it,
You’re the only one that can fix my life,
I’m just so sick of failing and starting again,
I need You to help me start fresh.

Fix my life, God,
You’re the only one that can.
I surrender myself to You,
Make me new once again.

Isn’t it ironic that a poem I wrote almost a year ago seems to apply to me more now than it did back then? I just try so hard to give everything to God, and then when I fail at doing that, I realize that I’ve failed and I start getting disgusted with myself. Although I know that I probably shouldn’t be too hard on myself, I also know that if I start making excuses, I’m going to keep making them and end up further away from God than when I started. It’s happened before, and I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t think I could handle that.

I’m considering changing my “prayer time” to the morning, just because it will help me get a good start to the day. While I’m not too keen on having to get up ten or fifteen minutes earlier in the morning to do so, since I don’t get enough sleep as it is, I will do it if I have to. For right now I’m going to attempt to make a conscious decision to at least say a quick prayer to God in the morning as soon as I get up, so I can get off on the right foot in the mornings. I’m already grumpy enough in the mornings, I might as well work on that too.

Anyways, I’ll keep you updated on my progress, and although I’ll more than likely be posting another “stupid failure” message, I’ll definitely be working on improving my score. I figure the more time I spend with God, the less time I’ll have to sin, right? Although I sadly can’t sit around and spend 24 hours a day reading the Bible, I’m working on integrating God into the rest of my life instead of putting Him into a little box for the week and letting Him out on Sundays. It’s just so easy for me to get into my “school” mindset or my “home” mindset, of which God isn’t currently a part. That’s the big thing. I have to find a way to talk to God at school. I mean, obviously all I have to do is pray, but it’s a matter of remembering to do it.

Yes, I’ve definitely got a lot of work ahead of me.

4 responses to “Surrender (Part 2)”

Derek

I read your last comment (replying to that of my own), and the following is in response to both that comment, and this post.

I understand what it feels like to be addicted to sin. to be lost. to feel utterly hopeless and condemned … not condemned by God, but by myself. If there is one thing you understand, let it be this: you are not alone.

2 Samuel 11
Psalm 51
Jonah 2
Matthew 26:74-75
Romans 7:13-25

Derek

As an aside – is anybody good enough? Does anybody deserve God’s forgiveness? Certainly this is not the case; for if we were good enough for God’s forgiveness, we’d be good enough to not need forgiveness in the first place!

God offers us forgiveness not because we have a right to be forgiven, but because He loves us. And this forgiveness isn’t conditional either. It’s not a “you’re forgiven ONLY if you live for me”; as John wrote (1 John 1:9), “you’ve confessed – therefore you ARE forgiven!” Unconditional love, as I expounded in my last post – and if it’s unconditional love, then it must also be unconditional forgiveness.

And before we can even begin to comprehend just how God could forgive us like that, we have to forgive ourselves. It isn’t easy, but it is necessary. And it makes sense: if God doesn’t hold anything against us, then how could we have any right to hold anything against ourselves?

Jeff

That’s a good point, that I need to be able to forgive myself just as God has forgiven me. It’s just hard – harder to do than to believe that God’s forgiven me. With those verses you pointed out, except for the last one, they all deal with one-time, “big sins” as humans would put it. Those were as a result of one decision on their part to sin. Mine is a habitual sin. The last reference, Romans 7:13-25, seems to sum it up best for me. No matter how hard I try, I always keep failing. I know God’s standards for me, and I also know of His love for me. The thing is that I don’t want to take advantage of His love. It’s like the issue that Paul deals with in a few of his letters that grace doesn’t give us a license to sin.

I have no clue where this reference is in the Bible; perhaps I read it somewhere else entirely, I don’t really know. But it said that every time we sin under God’s grace, it’s like nailing Christ to the cross once again. The problem is that I’ve already done it once (through the Romans), and I would hate to ever nail Him to the cross yet again, though I’ve already done that a thousand times.

Okay, let me say it this way. Say you’re a chronic drinker. Alcohol gets you into a lot of trouble; you’ve spent nights in jail because the police picked you up for the night, gotten into barfights, etc. Then you get married. Your wife loves you, but she’s hurt by your drinking and how it hurts you. When you get into trouble, it affects her. Now, you love your wife as well. She means more to you than anything else in this world. So you try to stop drinking. You really, really try. You even ask her for her help in stopping, and she, being the loving wife she is, quietly reminds you that you said you were going to stop drinking every time you drink. You stop for a couple days and feel good about yourself, but then every time you slip back into that alcoholic addiction. You know you’ve failed at your goal, and yet you still keep trying, failing over and over. Your wife, ever patient and loving, just keeps forgiving you, but letting you know that you can do better.

That’s about as close a representation as I can come to. I’m that alcoholic, and God is the wife in the story. I want to show Him my love and I just can’t, even though I know I need to. And every time I fail, it just adds some more on top of what’s already there. I find that I can’t ask forgiveness enough, and even if I forgive myself and start fresh, I can’t forget what I’ve done. It’s possible for me to forgive myself, but it’s impossible for me to forget the cycle of sin that I’m in. It’s one of those classic mind vs. body clashes, and I’m smack dab in the middle of the fight.

Derek

The verses you pointed out – Hebrews 6:4-6 – is interesting. It’s true that God takes our sins very personally. He is deeply wounded by each one.

But when I said that His forgiveness is unconditional, I included the condition that we ask for it. We do not have to ask for forgiveness to be forgiven. We were forgiven at the cross. All of our sins were paid for; washed away, as Jesus died.

Even the Roman guards were forgiven, as they crucified Jesus the first time (referring again to Heb 6). Salvation isn’t tangent on forgiveness. Salvation is based on our acceptance of his forgiveness.

You’re right – it’s impossible to forget the cycle of sin. But getting out of it in the first place – that’s something you and God are going to have to work through together.

I’ll be there for you.. And everybody (who’s honest with themselves) understands what you’re going through too. 🙂

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