Since I’ve been on the topic of surrender, and since nothing useful or important happened at all today, I’ll blog about a poem that I made a while ago, back in April 2004, and totally forgot about now. I was looking on the disk with all my poems for a perfect one that described what I was feeling right now, and I found. It’s kind of strange that I wrote it almost a year ago, and yet even though I’ve gone far astray from God and then back closer to Him once again, I’m still in the same place as before. I’m closer than I was before, and yet I’m still so far away. This choice to surrender is a daily decision that I must keep making, and I wish I could just make a habit of it and be done with the choices. I wish I didn’t have to choose so often, because too many times I make the wrong choice. But, with no further ado, I present “I Surrender,” by me:
I’m sick of trying to figure stuff out,
I’m sick of failing again.
I just want You to take over my life
And make me new again.
My life has spun out of control,
And I try to remedy the problem.
But only You can set it back on track,
Please fix me up again.
You’re all I want, though I don’t always show it,
You’re the only one that can fix my life,
I’m just so sick of failing and starting again,
I need You to help me start fresh.
Fix my life, God,
You’re the only one that can.
I surrender myself to You,
Make me new once again.
Isn’t it ironic that a poem I wrote almost a year ago seems to apply to me more now than it did back then? I just try so hard to give everything to God, and then when I fail at doing that, I realize that I’ve failed and I start getting disgusted with myself. Although I know that I probably shouldn’t be too hard on myself, I also know that if I start making excuses, I’m going to keep making them and end up further away from God than when I started. It’s happened before, and I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t think I could handle that.
I’m considering changing my “prayer time” to the morning, just because it will help me get a good start to the day. While I’m not too keen on having to get up ten or fifteen minutes earlier in the morning to do so, since I don’t get enough sleep as it is, I will do it if I have to. For right now I’m going to attempt to make a conscious decision to at least say a quick prayer to God in the morning as soon as I get up, so I can get off on the right foot in the mornings. I’m already grumpy enough in the mornings, I might as well work on that too.
Anyways, I’ll keep you updated on my progress, and although I’ll more than likely be posting another “stupid failure” message, I’ll definitely be working on improving my score. I figure the more time I spend with God, the less time I’ll have to sin, right? Although I sadly can’t sit around and spend 24 hours a day reading the Bible, I’m working on integrating God into the rest of my life instead of putting Him into a little box for the week and letting Him out on Sundays. It’s just so easy for me to get into my “school” mindset or my “home” mindset, of which God isn’t currently a part. That’s the big thing. I have to find a way to talk to God at school. I mean, obviously all I have to do is pray, but it’s a matter of remembering to do it.
Yes, I’ve definitely got a lot of work ahead of me.