I’m not quite sure what to say today. On the one hand, I’m still feeling strange, the same as yesterday. And on the other hand, I’m feeling a lot better. It’s sort of a mixture, I suppose. I’m pretty tired right now, though, so that might be partly affecting my mood. It’s never fun waking up at about 6:00 or 6:30 AM (I just remember that it was 6 something). I woke up and looked up at the clock, groaned, rolled over, and tried to get back to sleep. I had this weird dream about rescuing people from a car crash. I’m not sure why I was there in the first place, but whatever. It was strange. I think the dream started before I woke up, though, and then continued on after I fell back asleep. I can’t exactly remember, but I think that’s what happened, which is pretty strange and cool at the same time.
Anyways, I woke up again at about 9:00 or so, and stayed in bed, half-asleep, until around 10:00. I went and had a shower and changed right away to try and wake myself up, which didn’t really work, but whatever. I went downstairs and played my bass for a while. I was going to learn a Blindside song, but I decided to look over the Trading My Sorrows bass tab for some reason. The last time I was practicing for youth, we were thinking we might do that, but I couldn’t exactly remember how the bass line went. So I got out my pile of papers with all my bass tabs and lyrics, and decided I’d go through them for no reason. I started playing them one by one, starting off with a couple Christmas carols we had done for the Burford Santa Claus Parade, then into all my tabs of worship songs for chapel. Jordan and Zac had written them out a long time ago before I learned to read chords instead. So I started playing each one, singing along just to find the tune – since bass doesn’t really carry a good melody. Before I knew it, I had broken out into some crazy little spontaneous worship to God.
There’s something to be said for spontaneous worship. I mean, it’s one thing to go to a “worship service,” and I’m sure God loves that too, but when you just get a worship song in your head and start singing it out of the blue, it just seems more…real, I suppose. And I know, I could start saying stuff like “singing isn’t the only way to worship God, worshipping Him is a lifestyle,” but I won’t get into that. The point that I’m bringing up is that so many times you go to a worship service or something, and without even realizing it, you’re not really worshiping God, you’re just singing a song that sounds cool. Sometimes during a service, I’ll just stop singing and take a good hard look at what I’m singing. Usually it’s up on a screen somewhere, so I’ll just read the song like a poem. It helps me focus on what I’m really telling God.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with singing, of course. It’s just that sometimes singing takes the place of worship, when we just sing to sing. That’s why sometimes I just would rather skip over a worship service to read the Bible instead. And that’s also why I sing as loud as I can while on stage at youth playing bass, although no one can hear me and I don’t have a microphone. I find it easier to worship when I’m actually making the music myself rather than just listening to it. When just listening, I have the tendency just to sing instead of worship. But I suppose that could just be me, and I’m certainly not making any assumptions in regard to anyone else. It’s just something I’ve noticed in myself.
So that’s what happened today. After playing the worship songs, I got around to actually learning the Blindside song, and then I did some homework that’s due tomorrow. By that time I was actually more awake (though I’m not sure why; couldn’t be that Easter chocolate I had, could it?), and so I suddenly got the best idea for what to do today. I dusted off my version of Macromedia Flash 5 and decided to start making a movie, just like the good ol’ days. A while ago, I had created two short movies of a stick figure and a recording of my voice singing crazily. It was amazingly funny, because the song was horrible – but it was meant to be horrible, honest. So today I decided to become a pirate on the screen. Of course, all I know about making movies in Flash has been sitting in my brain rotting and rusting, so I had to do some of the built-in lessons to refresh my memory. Then, after the lessons, I suddenly didn’t feel like making the movie anymore. It was pathetic, really. But I’ll still make it probably. I just have to work up the energy to draw a stick figure on a ship and such, which really takes more work than it looks. But whatever. I’ll do it eventually, likely tonight when I have nothing to do.
As for now, I think I’m going to go upstairs and do my daily devotional. I’m still working through the Purpose-Driven Life, with only a few chapters left. It’s pretty exciting that I’m actually going to finish this time – I didn’t the last time I tried. After that, I forget what I’ve got planned, but it’s another devotional. Ugh, it’s been so hard this past little while to keep to a regular schedule, though. First was March Break, and then came Easter, both of which had days in which I wasn’t forced to go with a schedule like school. At least a school schedule helps me follow a schedule after school and get things done that I need to get done. When I don’t have to go to school, I get bored of not doing anything all day, so I get into something that’s time-consuming, like a game or something, or I make sure to hang out with my friends and end up getting back late, both of which leave me no time to do my devotions.
I know, I know, it’s bad – I never said I liked it, but that’s what happens. By the time I get back home or whatever, I’m completely tired out, so I fall into bed without it even crossing my mind. But at least I make it up the next day; I read two chapters instead of one. I mean, it’s not the best solution, but it’s better than just forgetting about it altogether. I’ve already done that before, and I’ve been trying my hardest to keep from doing it again. There’s no feeling worse than trying as hard as you can to do something and failing at it completely – I know how that feels, because it happens to me all the time. Just read my blog – the entire thing is littered with comments about failure. And while I’m confident that one day my successes will begin to outweigh my failures, the fact is that my failures have gotten a major headstart. They’re also easier to achieve.
The thing I need to work on most right now is to not settle for failure, but keep on trying until I succeed – the first-time success will come with practice. It’s just hard not to become discouraged by constant failure. It’s like trying to break down a wall without any tool of any kind. You can try different strategies – try to climb it, but fall down because it’s too tall, try to pull the bricks out with your hands, but fail because they’re cemented together, or just repeatedly run into it with yourself, but end up with a major headache. I’ve tried different methods, but they all seem to fail. I’m just hoping that over time, the wall will begin to wear down. It’s really the only option I have. And as well, I’ve got God’s power inside me. Unfortunately, He doesn’t usually resort to giving us super-springs on our feet to launch us over walls, but He gives us the encouragement and determination to keep hacking away at the wall. I’m sure He also pokes out a few bricks here and there to help us out, but He makes sure that we conquer our own walls. It’s the only way we grow. And that really sucks – but it’s also awesome at the same time. I just thank God that at least He’s letting me grow instead of spoiling His kids like He could. That would make Him a bad parent, though.
Anyways, I suppose that’s all I have to say for right now. I’ll just spend tonight quietly and find something to do – I must say, that pirate movie is seeming to be pretty appealing, though…