Today was a pretty “blah” kind of day. I mean, it wasn’t bad in any way really. The reason it was “blah” was because of the lack of sleep the night before. Last night I woke up somewhere around 3:00 or 3:30 AM, and then after about another hour of sleep I woke up again at 5:45 – I remember that time because I looked over at the clock groggily and thought it said 6:45, so I decided that waiting for 15 minutes for my alarm to go off wasn’t bad. I laid there drowsily for a few minutes just thinking, then glanced over at the clock and was shocked that it was only 5:45. With a groan, I tried to get back to sleep, but it didn’t really work.
So coming off another night of horrible sleep, I was, for the most part, quiet today. English class was the worst, because we just sat there reading Gulliver’s Travels as he explained stuff about English culture back then, half of which you can still hear any day of the week in any satirical comedies about politics, etc. He basically just pointed out all the negative aspects of the culture and left out the good parts, while trying to pose it as being truth. It was stupid. I would have fallen asleep in the class, except whole reason I was tired was because of my insomnia. It’s quite hard to fall asleep when you have insomnia – because if you could, then you wouldn’t have it.
I can’t stand how everything I’ve been taking so simply recently has turned into something complicated. Perhaps it’s me that’s doing it, but perhaps not. All I know is that several simple, unimportant situations have turned into things of major concern for no apparent reason, except perhaps that the pressure has built up to that point. So often the factor that pushes a situation over the edge is so small – but it’s the fact that there’s been so many other little factors that have built it up to that point. It’s like the fact that between 1 and 100 is a big gap; however, that gap can be filled by 98 other numbers that are just a small step up. 1 leads to 2, which leads to 3 – it’s only an increment of 1, right? But then you get up to 99 and look down, and realize that you’ve just gotten so far from your original number of 1, and all it takes is adding 1 one more time to push it up to 100. A simple metaphor, but one that accurately describes what’s going on. I look at a situation and say, “It’s only 1. That’s not that big a number.” And then someone else comes along and says, “Yeah, but that 1 has been added to 99 others.”
Yep. I’m definitely feeling a lack of motivation to deal with all these problems. Right now, the most accurate term to describe me would be “lethargic.” I’ve got crap to deal with, and it’d be so much easier to deal with it if I could get to sleep at the right times and stay awake during the other times. This has been going on for several months now – probably since about September or October – and I don’t know how to get it to change. It’s not like I have irregular sleeping patterns or that I drink 6 cups of coffee before going to bed or anything. And it’s not like anything in particular is waking me up – I have good bladder control, my pillows are nice and comfortable, and there isn’t a lot of noise except for the odd car going by during the night. The only thing I could think of would be the light coming from my alarm clock, but that’s a constant light – it’s not like it suddenly turns on during the night to wake me up. You’d think if I could go to sleep with it shining that I could keep sleeping with it shining. Ugh. I just want to get this problem dealt with. Then maybe I’ll have the energy to deal with all these other matters demanding my attention.