Flirting, Romance, and the Soap Opera of Life

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

I’m not quite sure what’s going on here. I’m starting to become a chick magnet with the girls. The only problem is that they’re the girls at my school. Why is that a problem, you say? Well, to begin with, there’s not much selection, and to end off, they’re annoying. I mean, I can stand them most of the time, and there’s a couple that are actually…normal. But it’s when they all start flirting with you that you know you have trouble brewing. And usually I’m a strong proponent of flirting. After all, I pretty much do it all the time to every girl I see whether I think she’s hot or not. But the problem is that some of them are horrible at it, and it turns out to be completely obvious.

I suppose the easiest way to talk about this without naming names would be to first explain the purpose of flirting, and the proper technique of doing it. The best way to flirt is the “invisible” technique. This technique is hard to master, but since I’m a chick magnet (ha!) I should show how to properly execute this process. It involves having fun with the person without anyone even knowing it, even without the other person knowing it. Hmm, this is quite hard to explain. Let me show you the wrong way to flirt (this is courtesy of one of the girls in my school – not a specific circumstance, but the whole technique).

The way to flirt horribly is to make it obvious that you’re flirting with the person. Trying to always sit close to the other person is horrible. Giving a playful push for no reason is horrible. In fact, doing anything for no reason at all that could be construed as flirting is just horrible. I’ve learned this from personal experience. I’d do something like that and all the girls in the room would immediately pick up on it and either say, “Aww, true love,” or “Eww, he’s trying to hit on her.” This is the wrong way to flirt.

Let’s see here. My technique of “invisible” flirting is to do the opposite of what I just mentioned. You must always have a purpose. I mean, you know you’re flirting, but they just think you’re trying to do something. For instance, today, a person who shall remain nameless stole my food to look at it. So what did I do? Seizing the opportunity for to show off my prowess at the mastery of flirting, I went to grab the food. She of course tried to block my attempts, so I just kind of pushed her onto the table (not hard of course, I’m not a jerk or anything). She was soon on her knees begging for forgiveness at even daring to touch my food.

The above example is completely made up. Well, at least the last part. It went more like, I pushed her onto the table a couple times and then, since she reacts quite slowly, grabbed the food back. The point is that I had a purpose in mind – anyone around could easily have seen it as a man desperate for nourishment trying to get his food back. But I mean, I knew I was flirting, and whether she did or not, she certainly reacted positively to it, playing right along. This is the technique I have mentioned, called “invisible” flirting.

Okay, I have no clue where that came from. I just made all that up off the top of my head. I don’t actually claim to be a master at this stuff. It’s easier just to make fun of them jokingly every chance I get. I mean, they seem to like it. They just act mad. Crazy women. Anyways, today was really insane. I pretty much didn’t even try to flirt with anyone and they just started hitting on me. I mean, there’s this one girl (whom I have no interest in whatsoever) who I’ve known likes me for a little while now, but she’s so horrible at trying to flirt. She gave me a little gentle push for no reason, and I just kind of ignored it. I flirt with her a little bit just so it doesn’t seem like I’m completely ignoring her. After all, when one girl gets mad at you, it’s as good as getting the whole group mad at you. Then you get gangbeaten by a pack of vicious women on PMS. And that’s not fun at all.

Last night was kind of strange too. There’s this girl that I’ve known since kindergarten who just basically out of nowhere told me that if she wanted to date right now, she’d go out with me. It took me by surprise. I’m not even that friendly to her, nor do I claim to be. I’ve had her blocked on MSN for over a year (although I still see her every single day at school) and just unblocked her last night so I could remind her to bring me the money that she owed me. I have no interest in her whatsoever, and then she just went and confessed whatever strange feelings she has for me. She told me I was a nice guy, and I said, “Um, not really. I make fun of everyone.” She said, “Nah, but you’re still nice.” Hmm. Strange. You mean being a nice guy really doesn’t get you success with women? But I suppose that’s a different topic.

Today was extra strange with the whole flirting business (since we’re on the subject; or rather, I’m on the subject). This girl that I usually just make fun of – again, only jokingly, of course, and she knows that – started just flirting right back with me. I didn’t even try today. Usually she’s really shy and just gets frustrated because I relentlessly make fun of her and she can’t think of anything to say back. But today I barely even tried and she suddenly perked right up and flirted with me. I must say, I was shocked. It must have been that extra, extra large coffee she had that morning or something. Maybe normally when I make fun of her, she’s asleep or something. Who knows?

I save the best girl for last. This one’s mainly a little project of mine. My goal is to get her to like me and tell me that. Do I know why? No clue. I suppose it might be because I screwed things up the first time I tried, going about it all the wrong way. We had a good friendship going on in Grade 10, and then I decided I’d go all sappy on her and tell her I liked her. Bad move. She just kept her distance. Then she went out with my best friend. But I figure that since that relationship’s over now, she’s free territory for a second chance. I can’t say I’d really want to go out with her. I just want to see if it’s possible for me to get her to like me. It’s kind of a strange feeling I suppose, really. Anyways, we flirt a lot, but then again she flirts with everyone a lot. It looks to me like she flirts with me more than others, but it could possibly be because I flirt back more. I don’t really know. I don’t really care that much. I just want to see what happens.

I suppose you could say that the girls at my school are my experiments. I mean, I don’t plan to lead them on and then crush their feelings or anything, but I use them to practice and see what works on women and what doesn’t so that when I get to a place where there’s more selection, I’ll have no problem getting the best one. It might seem sort of heartless to any girl reading this, but nothing would ever come of a “relationship” with girls at my school anyways.

Anyways, I think I’ve finally learned that the nice guy approach just doesn’t work. I’ve tried that way too many times, and all it ends up doing is creating nice little friends that talk to you when they need a shoulder to cry on. I mean, that’s all fine and dandy, except that I have enough of those. There comes a point when it gets boring just being the nice guy over in the corner with all the pretty girls that are “just friends” with him. Well, I plan to change that.

I’m not concerned with being “nice” anymore. I’m not concerned with hurting a girl’s feelings or saying something to offend her. I mean, I obviously don’t want to have an angry girl on my hands, but I’m saying that I could care less what I say now as long as I say it right. It’s all about how you say something. I could walk up to a girl and say she’s ugly and fat and I think she should go to a fitness club and shave off a few hundred pounds before she collapses from her own weight. That probably wouldn’t go over too well if it was a girl that was concerned about her weight. But if I go up to a girl that obviously has guys hitting on her all the time, and I say, “So, is that a pillow under your shirt or did you just have too much Christmas turkey?” that’s funny. It’s better than being like, “Hey sexy, can I have your number? You look hot.” She’ll just dismiss him as another one of those creeps that can go onto her “Do not call if you value your life” list.

Anyways, that’s what I’ve learned. I don’t by any chance claim to be a master of attracting girls, but apparently it seems to be working without me trying. The more you try to impress a girl, the less she’s impressed, so why do it in the first place? It’s better to just be yourself and treat her like a bratty little sister that you just won’t put up with. I mean, there’s a guy at my school that likely every girl would say was “hot.” He’s pretty buff and he’s a great guy too. He has the utmost respect for women and is extra nice to every one that comes his way. It’s just like his mommy told him to do – “Don’t you dare treat a girl like that! Be nice!” But although every girl would say he was hot, they aren’t lining up for numbers or autographs. They hang out with him and think he’s a cool friend, but nothing more. I, on the other hand, still treat girls with respect. I don’t say dirty things to them or touch them in the wrong way. But I make fun of all the girls at my school, and yet they’d rather flirt with me than with this other guy. Why? Who knows? It doesn’t make much logical sense, but considering the intelligence of the girls at my school on top of the intelligence of women in general, I’m not too worried about logic here. I’d rather attract the girls I’m not interested in so that when I find the one that I am interested in, I won’t lose her because I don’t know how to make her feel any attraction for me.

So after that long speech, I’ll conclude with saying that today we went to the racquetball club and played that for gym class. Although it has nothing to do with anything I just said, it happened today and therefore is fresh in my mind. It was pretty fun, really exhausting, and more difficult than it seems. Then I walked home. Interesting, eh?

That’s all for today in the life of Jeff the Ultimate Chick Magnet. Too bad magnets have two polarities. It’d be so much easier if women weren’t all the same polarity so that we wouldn’t repel. Just kidding. I know they all love me…

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