Today was a pretty reflective day for me. People, for the most part, ignored me, and I didn’t really care, because I was too busy thinking anyway. I found it hard to concentrate, actually, since my mind kept wandering. It’s horrible trying to think about something you don’t want to when your brain is trying to think about something it wants to think about. But anyways, I got to thinking about a few things.
I suppose the biggest thing that’s been on my mind lately has been noticing the changes in my life. Some of these were brought about by sheer self-will, although I’m sure most of it was brought by divine aid – or perhaps a better way of putting it would be that I was divinely aided in developing my self-will. But being completely honest here, I’ve noticed myself becoming a different and better person. Sometimes it’s been so subtle that I’ve barely noticed it – and yet it’s there, and it makes me feel awesome every time I realize what I’m doing.
The first area this has been in is the area of sexual purity. It’s not so much a physical battle – the pressure to have sex isn’t that great in a school of 22 Christians – but rather a mental battle between the lust of the flesh and my desire to do what’s right. My eyes are saying, “Wow, that’s gooooood,” while my mind is saying, “No! Turn away now!” A while ago, the eyes would usually win. There would be the odd time that I’d remember that I should respect women as people, but that wasn’t usually the case. Now, I’ve noticed that it’s becoming easier for my mind to control my eyes – and that’s awesome. It’s exactly what I’ve been praying about, and I can definitely see a change in myself. I’ve been trying so hard to accomplish this, and then it’s suddenly like God just came along and turned my mind on full blast. It’s not like I still don’t struggle with it every day, but instead of struggling for a short while and then giving into the temptation, I’m finding that I’m actually resisting. I’m finding that it’s possible to resist.
Probably related with this area is my spiritual life in general. I’ve finally gotten back into the habit of reading my Bible daily, and I’m pleased to say that I’ve read my Bible every day for at least two weeks now. It was hard to do, but I forced myself to. It’s such a great feeling to know that you’ve accomplished something. Now I just have to keep that up so I don’t have to achieve it all over again. But it doesn’t stop there. Not only am I reading the Bible daily, but I find myself wanting to read it more and more. There have been a few days where I’ve thought to myself, “Well I’ve got a bit of time to kill. I should just read another chapter.” I’ve sort of forced myself not to, though, not because it’s going to hurt, but because I’ve tried that before, and it eventually breaks up the routine. The more habitual it becomes, the less I even have to think about reading the Bible – it will just come naturally to me. If I start to break up the routine, even to make it better, there’s still a chance that it’ll break the habit.
But with that aside, I find myself so immersed in the Bible. I’m probably still not as immersed as I should be, but sometimes before I start reading, I’ll just say, “God, help me to discover something new today.” And He really does answer it. He’s been showing me that He doesn’t want my obedience without my devotion. He doesn’t want me to obey Him because, well, He’s God and will crush me if I don’t. Rather, He wants me to love Him, and through that love will flow out obedience to Him. He wants me to prove my love to Him by obeying. And every day I’m learning more and more what that’s like. I can’t say I’m half as far along in my Christian life as I should be. But I’m making up lost ground now – I slipped for a little while, and now I’m back with a passion. It gives me the strength to not just get through each day, but to treat each day as a new gift from God that’s special.
And through this love toward God flows out love toward others. I’ve caught myself several times criticizing people on the bus in my mind – it’s just something as simple as, “Wow, what a strange-looking nose.” Then I stop and remind myself that God loves that person, and also created them that way. What right do I have to say I love God if I start making fun of what He’s made? It’s a work in progress, but at least it’s progressing.
Perhaps on a less spiritual matter – or perhaps not – I’ve noticed myself thinking more about my health. While I understand that I’m in pretty good health, not likely having gained a pound since I was four due to my hyperactive metabolism, I also understand that my metabolism is going to slow down eventually. I’ve started to reconsider filling my body with unhealthy crap. There’s been the odd time at work that I’ll reconsider drinking that extra free cup of root beer. The only thing that’s held me back from doing that is because it’s really dry at work and my throat gets sore if I don’t drink a lot of fluids. I could either buy a bottle of water or get free pop, so I go for the free pop. So, instead of making the decision there, I’ve decided to not drink as much pop at home instead. Right now I’m drinking Fruitopia, made of real fruit with no artificial colours, flavouring, or preservatives. It’s probably still not the healthiest choice, but it’s better than guzzling down 340 mL of carbonated chemicals in a can. So that’s a health decision I’ve made. I’ve also considered getting a membership to the Athletic Club with Vince – I laughed when he mentioned it at first, but now I’m starting to think it might not be a bad idea. Why not get in shape? Just because I’m already in shape right now, that doesn’t mean that I can’t burn off a few of those calories in advance, for when my body starts not being able to keep up.
So that’s what’s been going on in my head for the past little while. I’ll likely keep posting updates about this area of my life every once in a while. If you’re a Christian and you’re reading this, I’d appreciate it if you’d pray for me and ask God just to speak into my life and give me His wisdom to continue learning how to grow in my spiritual life. But anyways, I think that’s all for now. I must be off to work soon, so I suppose it’s almost time to drink back that carbonated caffeine I just can’t get enough of.