Bladder Control and the Art of Winning at Losing

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

Today was a really boring day, so I’m just going to skip over the rundown of the day and get right into some random thoughts I just had a little while ago. There’s sort of a pattern to them, but not really.

As I got home today, I had to go to the washroom quite badly. This simple act which I do at least once a day provided me with a revelation today. I finally figured out the essence of what makes men and women different. I mean, there are many obvious differences, but I believe they all stem off of this one difference – the ability to control one’s bladder.

Now, let me explain a bit about genetics in order to tie this all together. Everyone has a special chromosome that determines their gender at conception. Females have an XX chromosome, whereas males have an XY chromosome. Since these split up in the reproductive cells of a person’s parents, the male determines the gender of the child – because he’s the only one that has the Y chromosome to begin with, he’s the only one that can pass it on to his child. If he passes on his X instead, the child is female.

So what does genetics have to do with bladder control? I propose that the X chromosome has a faulty gene that produces a lack of bladder control, whereas the Y chromosome does not have this. Therefore, men only get a single dose of this gene, while females have a double dose and therefore cannot hold their pee for more than 6.9 seconds on average. As I was urinating, I thought back to how long I had been holding it in – I figured out that I first felt the urge right after lunch, at the beginning of Accounting class. That means I held it in for 2 1/2 hours of classtime (2 classes), plus about a 15-20 ride home on the bus. That’s about 2 hours and 45 minutes. Meanwhile, in one single class alone (1 hour and 15 minutes), Meagan managed to have to go pee twice. She couldn’t even hold it in for half the time that I did. This lack of bladder control indicates the primary difference between men and women. What did that have to do with anything? I’m really not sure…

After this startling revelation, I had a small discussion in my head about a very common contradiction – planning to fail and succeeding. If you plan to fail at something, and succeed, what have you done? If you succeeded, then you failed, but then if you failed, you succeeded. I tried to wrap my mind about it for a minute or two – it obviously cannot be either one or the other. So I tried to figure out if it was both or neither. I think I decided that it was both – you both succeeded and failed at the same time. Figure that one out.

That inspiration led me to the third thing I’d like to talk about. After thinking about succeeding at failing and failing at succeeding, I decided I should make a game where, to win, one must lose. The point of the game would be to lose, and if you lost, then you won. I figured the easiest game to apply this to would be Rock Paper Scissors. The point of this game is to try and guess what your opponent will do next, and then choose the one that beats it – rock smashes scissors, scissors cut paper, and paper covers rock. But what if you were trying to lose at each round? It’d still be the same concept; you’d still try and guess what they were going to do. But then you would try and pick the one that loses to it. It would be a whole reversal of thinking! Talk about an intellectual adventure – hey Chess Club, who cares about chess when you can play Losing Rock Paper Scissors?

With that said, I’d like to put on a small demonstration of the winning strategy of Rock Paper Scissors. The objective is simple; it is the quick reflexes and “thinking on your feet” that is not. The fact that it is usually so fast-paced makes it a great game, and a quick one too. Now, the first fact to remember is that most people choose Rock on their first round. I’m really not sure why this is; I suppose the hand motion that most people use to play it (pumping your hand up and down three times with your hand in a fist) could account for it. Anyways, if this is true, then you would obviously want to choose Paper on your first round (assuming you’re playing Winning Rock Paper Scissors, of course). From there, you want to think of it as moving a step ahead of them. Suppose we write the three down in order of Rock – Paper – Scissors, and they just chose Rock. In my experiences, they will likely choose Paper next – the next one down the line. Since you chose Paper the first round, you move one step ahead of them and choose Scissors. Once in a while they may catch onto this pattern and try to go two ahead instead – if they chose Scissors last round, they may try choosing Paper. You obviously can’t predict it the first time unless you’re psychic, but the next time, just go three ahead (or in other words, do the same one again) to, once again, stay a step ahead of them.

Now, keep in mind that some people are quite experienced at Rock Paper Scissors and know this strategy at least subconsciously. I, myself, rarely lose a game – not counting the ones where it’s best out of 1, of course. That’s pure luck. But those who know this strategy will be trying to do the same thing to you. The sign of their experience is if, at the beginning of the game, you seem to be getting a lot of draws, where you both choose the same symbol. Since they’re trying to think ahead, and so are you, you end up choosing the same one most times. The best strategy, then, is to reverse the process. Go one behind instead of one ahead in the line. Instead of choosing Scissors after Paper, go back to Rock. That cuts them off at the pass, and is where the real fun begins. You can notice the back-and-forth pattern if you remember the score of wins and losses. It will usually go back and forth as each one of you try and figure out the other person’s pattern and go a step ahead.

Again, because of the fast pace of the game, it’s quite hard to master this technique. It takes lots of practice. It’s something you must be able to do subconsciously, because you won’t have time to think the pattern through consciously each time. It’s not chess, you know. But once you get the technique down, it’s quite easy to beat stupid people that just choose a random symbol each time. These people just don’t appreciate the essence of the noble game that we call Rock Paper Scissors.

So yeah. I’m not sure why I wrote that. But whatever. I’m bored. Stay tuned for another blog entry, either before or after I go utterly insane.

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