My ex-girlfriend would be laughing at what’s going on in my mind right now. Actually she still does when I tell her stuff about my life; I can vividly remember her laugh. For those of you who thought that last sentence was a positive sentence, it really wasn’t – would you want to be remembered by your ex as someone who always laughed at them and made fun of them? Didn’t think so. I remember a few weeks after we broke up, I got really mad at her and she sent me an email saying something like, “I’m sorry I laugh at you. All my making fun is destroying you.” I didn’t really think about it at the time, but it was probably the case. I mean, breaking up and everything was the main reason, but deep down, I don’t think I was really handling the criticism all that well. I was forced to live a fake life.
I’m getting sidetracked from what I was going to write about, but oh well. It’ll just be longer I suppose. I don’t really care. But yeah. Something I still feel guilty about is my lying during the summer. It all started when I stayed home from church on Sunday nights so Kayla could come over and hang out. She did that a few times with her friends; that was really how we got to know each other. If she didn’t come over, we’d just talk on MSN the entire night. But if you think about it, my priorities were pretty screwed up. I stayed home from learning about God to talk to a girl; mind you, a special girl, but still a created being and therefore inferior to the Creator Himself. That pretty much characterized my whole summer – I set God aside for Kayla, whom I raised up to His level. That was absolutely wrong of me, but I barely even realized I was doing it. Yeah, I suppose deep down I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I chose to ignore it.
So let’s see here. Kayla and I wanted to hang out more frequently, so we decided to meet at the mall. I had to come up with some excuse since my parents didn’t even know about her. So I told them I was going with Lauren. That really didn’t sit well with me; I knew I was lying straight to my parents’ faces, but again, I chose to ignore it. Well, eventually my parents found out and I got in some trouble, but now my parents knew about Kayla. I thought to myself, “Great, now I don’t have to lie to them anymore to hang out with her!” So we started hanging out a lot.
Now, people started to ask questions. My friends from school (who are all Christians) started asking me about this Kayla girl. Almost invariably, one of the first or second questions out of their mouth was, “So is she a Christian?” Now, just to set the record straight, no she isn’t. I’m sorry to those that I told that to. I viewed anyone who would disagree with Kayla and me being together as enemies, and compromised my standards of truthfulness. I see now how wrong I was to do that.
On top of that, not only was I a liar, I was also just a general fool. The Bible says not to be yoked together with an unbeliever, and I see now how sound that advice is – please, to anyone out there thinking of sharing a relationship with anyone who doesn’t stand on the same page that you do, don’t do it. It causes a world of heartache and regret later on. But anyways, I realized that Kayla was someone special, and so I did anything I could to be with her. I set aside my faith, because it would have kept me from her. That likely would have been a good thing, but I was blinded by attraction. They say love is blind; I say love blinds. I subconsciously decided that if being a Christian would keep me from being with Kayla, then I would set aside Christianity. You have no idea the repercussions I received from that decision.
And it was not without prodding from my girlfriend herself. She constantly pushed me to new levels of the physical aspect of the relationship. And I don’t blame her for that. As I said, she’s not a Christian. She has no obligation to have a moral standard of purity; the fact that I decided to exchange my standard for hers is my fault. From the start of the relationship, I was the one that wanted to hold back and take things slowly, and she wanted to rush into it and go quickly. Finally I just gave in and went her way. That was one of the worst decisions of my life. I went way too far with her, and I regret all of that. I regret every time we spent together in her room alone, or in my house alone. Two teenagers in love with no parents home is a recipe for disaster. It causes terribly unnecessary heartache when it’s all over.
When Kayla and I broke up, it was like pulling your fingers apart after they’ve been superglued. I was so attached to her, and when we pulled apart, pieces of both of us went with the other person, still glued on. Love taken too far, too fast hurts. I learned that first-hand.
Now this is not to say that I regret every moment I spent with Kayla. We had some great, fun times together. Most of those fun times, however, came during the first part of the relationship. As it went deeper, it went past being “fun” and into being a “need.” I’m also not saying that Kayla’s a horrible person and I blame my heartache on her. That’s not the case at all. I simply pity her poor, misguided soul – I just learned yesterday that she’s into yet another relationship. I told her I’d start placing my bets as to how long it’d last; I really didn’t have any congratulations for her. But my heartache was my fault alone. She did have a part in it, but I was stupid and decided to make myself suffer. Now all I have are remnants of her left over; notes and trinkets she gave me remind me of my mixed emotions during the summer.
At this time I’d like to point out that this is not a call for pity or a story of regret. I’ve dealt with all of that; it’s all the past and it’s behind me. I just had some confessions to make that I hadn’t voiced to anyone and I needed to get out. It’s true that sometimes I still think back to my hurt and pain. I also think back to the great memories as well. But my hindsight to this summer is purely to look at my mistakes and learn from them; I’ve moved on since then. I’m a completely new person now. I’ve embraced my faith once again and, while I’m still far from perfect, I’m working every day to get closer to that mark.
So why did I type all this? I don’t know. It had to get out I suppose. I didn’t really start this entry to talk about all that. However, my mind tends to wander when I’m writing; I tend to be quite long-winded because I have to explain everything I write. But now I have a bit of a problem. I look back on this past summer and now I wonder to myself, “Am I ready to date again?” It’s not a question of being emotionally ready; my scars are all but faded now. This is a question of being morally ready; I need to know that I’m not going to fall back into the same mistakes I made before. The first thing I will from now on refuse to do is date a non-Christian. That is definitely behind me. I can’t even count the number of times I was made fun of for my moral standards or my “prudishness,” if you will. At the time I just accepted the criticism and changed my morals accordingly. No longer. I am determined not to compromise my standards, even for one I love. But I don’t need to get myself into those situations, and that’s where only dating Christians comes in. It doesn’t guarantee freedom from criticism, but it will definitely increase the chances that of avoidance.
I am also determined to keep myself pure. I went far too far with Kayla – my own fault, remember – and I won’t let that happen again. It’s a slippery slope. I’m just afraid that since I’ve done that stuff once, if the temptation comes again, it’ll be easier to fail again the second time. But I’m hoping that if I keep the regrets in my mind that I’ll remember how foolish it is to travel down that road. I went too far, too fast and I paid the price, and if I remember that, then perhaps it will be easier to stop myself.
The last thing I am determined not to do is to put someone else before God. Kayla became my god for a while, and that was the horribly wrong thing to do. That’s another reason to date a Christian; if you set up the relationship with God at the centre, it makes for a relationship where both can worship God first, and then keep the other person in their proper place underneath godly direction.
So am I ready to date again? That’s my problem. I can’t figure out whether I’m firmly grounded in God enough to ram my stake into his foundation, so I don’t go slipping down that slope of impurity once again. I don’t know whether I’m on God’s solid rock rooted deeply enough so I won’t exchange it for someone else’s quicksand when the time comes. I have someone right now that I’m attracted to. That’s not really a decision; attraction comes naturally. But I’m not sure whether deciding to ask them out would be the best decision for either of us right now. Getting into a relationship with someone while standing off God’s foundation is a dangerous thing, and it’s not the loving thing to do for the other person. Although going out with someone always seems to be a “loving thing,” the truth is that if you ask them out when you’re not grounded on God, you’re introducing them into a situation where they have the possibility of being tempted to fall into sin, and that’s not loving. Ever.
Anyways, I don’t claim to be a televangelist or a Bible scholar, nor am I as deeply into God as I would like to be, but take my lessons for what they’re worth. These are my experiences, and I suspect that they are highly universal – don’t trap yourself into thinking that it won’t be that way for you.