Ottawa Recap

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

Well, I just got back from my trip to Ottawa. I don’t think it was exactly what I was expecting, but it was fun all the same, I suppose. I had expected it to be more of a vacation and less of meeting relatives, but some of that was a little unplanned anyways. Let me run down what happened.

Day 1 – Sunday
The Tozers had told me they would pick me up at my house at 10:00 AM. I called at about 11:00 when they still hadn’t shown up. It turns out they hadn’t slept most of the night and then decided to sleep in and just leave later. No problem, except they could have told me. Oh well, so Bethany told me they would be there about 11:45. They showed up half an hour later at 12:15 and we were off. It was about a 7-hour trip up there, taking a little longer than usual due to weather and traffic conditions. My Great-Aunt Iona lives in a small town outside of Ottawa called Manotick. Of course, as I mentioned previously, she was in Florida, so we were to have the house all to ourselves. That’s not really the way it worked out, but I’ll get to that later.

When we got there, my second cousins Carrie and Sherrie (I’m not really sure how you spell their names, but it’s close enough anyways) and their families were there to let us in. We got partially unpacked and ate some lasagna and salad that they had made for us. Both Carrie and Sherrie have three kids; Carrie had Brayden (guy, 13), Casey (girl, 11), and Jayden (girl, 2?), and Sherrie had Michael (guy, 12?), Sam (guy, 5 or 6), and a girl in between there that I can’t remember the name of. I think it might have been Melissa or Michelle or something. Anyways, Sherrie’s kids were utterly obnoxious. Jordan and I sat down in the family room eating our lasagna and Sam and Jayden were watching these videos of the Three Little Pigs and Pokemon. Sam was dancing crazily and then pulling up his shirt and showing off his butt-crack. Jayden was quietly sitting there picking away at buns that they had. I swear she went through about 5 or 6 of those buns. But anyways, Jordan and I basically talked as little as possible to the family. We just started critiquing Pokemon. I’m like, “Why do they always have to battle with their Pokemon? Why don’t they just throw rocks at them or something? They’d be like, ‘I choose you, Pikachu!’ and he’d shoot out of the ball. Then I’d say, ‘I choose you, rock!’ and pick up a rock off the ground and throw it at Pikachu. It’d be so much easier.” We were also commenting about how much hairspray some of the people on the show must use, ’cause their hair is absolutely insane.

That was the first night. We hadn’t hit the extent of the family’s obnoxiousness yet. That was yet to come.

Day 2 – Monday
We woke up late Monday morning and basically just relaxed, I think. Crap, I’m forgetting what happened, but I expected I would. Anyways, I’m not sure that we really had lunch; I think we had some muffins and stuff from Tim Horton’s and then snacked on other stuff as well. Later that day, at probably about noon, we went over to some strange relative’s house. I think it was my grandma’s sister Winnie, and she must have been in her 90s or at least late 80s. She just sort of sat there. Carrie and Sherrie were there as well along with Sherrie’s kids. There was also Reg and June – I’m not sure how they’re related to me. I think they’re my great-uncle and great-aunt. Anyways, Reg was cool because he just kept making fun of Carrie’s pansy dog Colby that sat in the cage and whimpered and stuff. He was showing off his dog, Bambi, which he had trained and stuff, and was making fun of Colby because he wasn’t trained. He also kept scaring Jayden, which was pretty funny. Scaring kids is awesome. Anyways, I was sitting in the middle of a couch with Bethany, and Michael was beside me with the girl whose name I can’t remember beside Bethany.

Now there’s a story here. A while ago when my family was up to Ottawa last, I said or did something that was really smart for my age or something. I’m really not sure what it was, but whatever. Michael couldn’t really pronounce my name, so he called me Jeopardy. That’s also a game show that requires intelligence. So apparently my nickname is Jeopardy – a nickname that I tried to shake off this time when I was up, but unfortunately failed at doing. So this kid, Michael, was being completely obnoxious and annoying and calling me Jeopardy. He was making pathetic attempts at insults or jokes, and trying to be funny. He was also trying to beat me up, but since he was really weak, I had no problem keeping him from beating me up, even though he apparently takes karate classes. Whatever. Anyways, we weren’t supposed to stay at this house very long, but it ended up being about 6 hours. Everyone on our couch was starving and letting the parents know that we were, dropping hints that maybe it was time to go home and eat. So Carrie and Sherrie basically invited themselves over to Aunt Iona’s house and ordered pizza and stuff. We rented a movie, and then went home. Carrie was already there with her three kids.

Let me tell you a bit about these kids. Brayden, or “Big B” as he’s called, is 13 years old and 180 pounds (his mom told me that). He’s about the size of two of me, but still has a high voice that sounds like it’s being spoken through a spinning fan (it has that sort of buzzing sound that really bugged me). Jordan and myself hooked up the stereo and started playing Underoath, and as we were hooking it up, we were talking to Brayden about what music he liked. He was apparently into Black Sabbath and general crap like that. Michael had also, by the way, picked up a taste for ACDC for some strange reason. The next oldest kid of Carrie’s is Casey, who is an 11-year-old trying to look 14 or 15 and doing quite a good job. The only way I could tell that she wasn’t older was by looking at her almost-flat chest. I mean, not that I was really checking her out or anything, but it was funny. I wanted to ask her if she was into trainer bras yet.

Jordan and I started having a war with a deck of cards we had found (we had played around with them the previous night as well – I forgot about that). We were flicking them at each other, and then Michael was picking them up off the floor for no apparent reason. After the war, Brayden was getting mad because we hadn’t picked up the cards, Michael had. Jordan pointed out that we hadn’t even asked him to pick them up, he just went and did it. Then Casey got mad because a few cards were missing. She was saying stuff like, “My granny plays with those cards.” Jordan just said, “Well, I’ll buy her a new deck of cards. They’re like a buck.” The cards looked like they were straight out of the 60s anyways – I guess they fit in with the rest of the house, with the shag carpets and stuff. The couches and blankets and stuff still smelled like mothball smell and everything too.

Anyways, we finally got rid of all our uninvited guests and went to sleep. That was the second night. We ended up watching Spiderman 2 (the movie we had rented) twice since Bethany hadn’t watched it the first time. I think I fell asleep about a quarter of the way through the second time. Oh and by the way, the pizza was crap. It tasted like rubber, and the pepperoni was cut in giant slices so it looked like balogna. It probably was, too.

Day 3 – Tuesday
Tuesday was our day. We had told Sherrie that we were going to be out for the day and stuff. Jordan and I cooked bacon and eggs for breakfast, and then we went to this mall; I’m not sure what it was called, but I know it wasn’t the Rideau Centre Mall. Anyways, it was three levels of crap. Each level was about the size of the Lynden Park Mall in Brantford, and there were about the same number of people for each level as in our mall here. But most of the stores were crap – the best ones were HMV, Music World, and Bluenotes. Jordan and I just walked around for 2 hours, basically just talking. We laughed at the name of one store called “Sports Experts.” The sign for it was curved, and if you looked at it from just the right spot it said “Sexperts.” That was the most exciting thing for the day. We walked through Zellers and found the ugliest boxers ever – they were plaid with different shades of ugly brown.

The difference between our mall and that mall was the people there. A lot of them were walking around alone. That doesn’t really happen in Brantford. You might see the odd person walking alone, but they’re usually just about to meet up with someone anyways. Also, at that mall most of the people were really old. There weren’t that many people our age, and those that were our age were really ugly. I really hope that mall isn’t representative of Ottawa, because otherwise everyone’s really ugly. Neither Jordan or I saw a really hot girl in the entire two hours we were there. We saw some average-looking ones, but none that were really hot. They were also all eyeing us, so I assume that there weren’t really any hot guys for them either. There was a pack of girls that said hi to us twice, because we were just walking in circles so we saw each other like five times. We saw a few gay and lesbian couples. We even saw like three people on crutches, and they were all walking alone. At this one part, we were walking up to this railing section where a few kids were huddled in a circle. Jordan said, “Oh, this must be the pot-smoking circle.” But as we got closer, they were just eating fries. Jordan just said to them, “This guy wants one of your fries,” pointing to me. The girl even held them up for me. I just said, “No thanks, I don’t know what you did to them,” and walked away. But we found out that everyone in Ottawa seems to be very nice. I suggested that stores should just put up “Please don’t steal” signs and they probably would only get things stolen by out-of-towners.

After the mall, we headed over to another relative’s house. I think they were my great-aunt and great-uncle as well. Aunt Lynn said we “wouldn’t stay long,” that it would just be a quick visit. It turned out to be like 3 or 4 hours. It was all just the one guy talking, too. He just kept rambling and rambling. Now I know where I get it from. Anyways, we left there finally and had our house to ourselves for once.

Day 4 – Wednesday
Today I woke up around 10:00 I think. I went up and had a shower/bath. You have to realize that Aunt Iona really didn’t have a “shower.” She had a bathtub, and this flimsy shower curtain that really wouldn’t stop water at all. Then there was a shower head just hanging there with no place to hang it up on. It was wierd. But anyways, the shower was refreshing nonetheless (I had skipped out on it the past couple of days). After that, Uncle Dave, Bethany, and I went out to Tim Horton’s to get morning coffee and hot chocolate for everyone. We had told Sherrie to come over to the house at about 11:30. When we came back at about 11:10, she was already there. There was a little bit of annoyance from the kids again, but Jordan and I basically just ignored them and watched TV. We packed up everything and loaded up the van, and then Jordan and I sat out in the van waiting for his parents. They apparently had to say goodbye about a million times before leaving, but we never even said goodbye at all. We started on our way home – a welcomed event after meeting Michael.

That’s about it. It wasn’t as fun as I had hoped it would be, but it was still probably better than sitting at home for a couple days and then going to the Porter family Christmas. I just opened presents from them a little while ago, and they were wierd. I got a shirt that’s too big for me, this fish lamp thing, a Garfield 365-day calendar, and some headphones that weren’t really what I had suggested, but I could understand the confusion. I had asked for headphones that went behind my head, thinking of those ones with the round earpieces. But I got ones that actually went inside the ears – I didn’t even know they had things like that. I think the part that goes behind the head is way too big as well. Oh well. Oh, I also got Adidas aftershave and cologne – that’s a pretty good present. I don’t use aftershave, but I’ll definitely use the cologne.

So yeah. That’s about it. It’s good to be home and good to know that I’ll be able to sleep soundly tonight, safe in knowing that Michael is hundreds of miles away. Thank goodness.

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