Hidden Bitterness

Disclaimer: This post is from the archives, and may not represent the current views of the author. It also may not be at all interesting to read. Continue at your own peril!

Okay, get ready for a really psychological post. Bear with me, this stuff interests me. And since this happens to be my blog, you either have to sit through it and read it all, or just leave. But as I said before, what’s the point of being here if you don’t want to read what I write?

Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to get onto. I could probably talk for an hour on that topic as well, but I won’t. I decided to write this about hidden bitterness. I want to explain the situation a bit more, though. I had a girlfriend, Kayla, during the summer as most of you know, and now we’ve broken up and theoretically are still “friends.” But continuing to be friends with her has been anything but easy.

Breaking up was her decision. It was going to be pretty hard to keep it going since we’d never see each other. When you’ve just come out of a summer of seeing each other almost every day, that’s a bit hit. We’d be going to different schools and everything. I still wanted to keep the relationship going; I was convinced that we could still make it work. But I suspect that a few other guys she had met had shown her that there would be many other options during high school, and I’m thinking that influenced her decision. I could name names, but she said it didn’t have to do with anyone in particular, and I believe her.

So that’s the situation. We determined that we should still attempt to be friends, and we continued to hang out in the couple weeks before school started, although both of us were sad at the ending of the relationship. I kept being nice to her and everything. I half-hoped that some guy would hurt her and she would come running back to me. The other half of me wanted the best for her and knew that she needed to experience life, grow up, and then, depending on the way the winds blew, perhaps she’d come back to me. I now know how foolish the notion of her returning was, but I also realize how foolish I would be to receive her back as anything more than a friend. You can read more about that in one of my previous blogs – I’m not going to focus on that anymore here.

So, after a few weeks I resigned myself to the fact that she wasn’t coming back to me. She found a few guys that she liked and had to tell me all about; that tested my self-control as the green monster of jealousy tried to rear its ugly head once again. But now I’m quite thoroughly over any feelings for her. I really question my motives for going out with her in the first place. And yet, I’m finding it so hard to continue to be nice to her.

There’s something that happens when you get to know someone well. You start to get annoyed by the little things they do that bug you. Think about your family members; assuming you’re not an only child, think about the sibling rivalries you likely had. When you get to know someone well, usually you start to lose love for them. I mean, deep down you love them, but yet in everyday life, you can’t stand them. That’s sort of how it is with myself in regards to my ex-girlfriend. I got to know her well, and when we were going out I gladly put up with all her annoyances. But now that we’ve broken up, I see no reason to be kind to her or put up with what she does to bug me, either purposely or accidentally. And I’m not quite sure why.

I strongly believe in loving everyone for who they are. I believe in loving your neighbour as yourself. She’s my neighbour, yet I have the hardest time even attempting to be kind to her. I feel some sort of hidden bitterness that rises up when I talk to her. I automatically become sarcastic, something that only happens when I don’t like the person I’m talking to or I’m in a bad mood. I insult her with no thought as to how she takes it; I mean, she insults me and so for the most part she puts up with it, but I still shouldn’t even be insulting her no matter her response. I’m having a hard time pinpointing why I’m doing this without even really realizing it.

Is this happening because there is some feeling of loss? I doubt it; I’ve completely gotten over her, and I really don’t even see it as a loss anymore. But then again, at one time I did see it as a big loss, and perhaps I didn’t deal with it correctly and it is still harboured in my subconscious mind. Or is it possibly because I still see what she did to me by breaking up with me as a personal attack, causing feelings of bitterness? I also felt that at one time, and I struggled to see things from her point of view and realize that she wasn’t lying to me to get me off her back. Is this still residing in my mind somehow, undealt with? I can’t pinpoint it.

This definitely deserves some more thought and prayer. It’s a common symptom; I see it all the time. Most people that break up don’t even do as well as Kayla and I have done. They automatically don’t speak to each other ever again unless they must, and when they do it’s slicing words of bitterness. But that’s what my words have become towards her, and it goes against what I believe. I suppose it may be somehow that love blinds us from seeing the other person’s faults; or at least we are willing to forgive them because, well, we’re in love with them, right? But as far as I can tell, love shouldn’t be that way. That’s a by-product. We need to love someone as a person and human being first, before we should even attempt to love them as more than that. Perhaps that’s the reason; we didn’t take long enough to love each other as people before loving each other as someone special. When the love of someone special faded, there was no longer anything left to hold us over.

Perhaps I’ve hit the reason, perhaps I’m way off. I’ll think about it some more, and maybe I’ll post a follow-up. Stay tuned. It’s definitely something to think about if nothing else.

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