I really have nothing to talk about. At all. The last two days have been horribly boring and bland. I mean, not much really happens in my life to begin with, but this has even been below that level. Summer’s so great because you can hang out with people the entire week without school and homework even crossing your mind or getting in the way.
Anyways, I won’t start rambling about the universe or anything, but I’ll post some lyrics to another song I like. I hate songs with no meaning behind them, but then again there are always those songs which only have meaning to the writer of them.
I’ve seen the end, my friend
Cannot continue in this life
Abide in the promises told
Abide in the promises proven
Abide in the promises told, abide in
Fan the spark of hope
All is not lost here
I saw the outcome once before
So distant, it seems so long ago, He’s still alive
Intercession so strong
Fan the flame, so close now
Awaken the strength internal
Write it down, make it plain
I saw the end once before
You were there with your heart in your hand outstretched
Shedding this darkness
With every glance to the sky
The fire is revealing these walls, heart twisting, turning
Faithful, sleepless, faithful
But now I can feel
But now I can taste the air of freedom
Ripping through, moving walls
Ripping down this structure
The air of freedom ripping through me
This song is by Living Sacrifice, a Christian heavy metal band that I found a few years ago. This song is an amazing song, and if you’re into heavy metal, you should definitely check it out.
But yeah. You know what I’ve gradually noticed about myself? I’ve started to come out of my shell. You see, I used to be in this little shell I built for myself so that nothing could hurt me. I’ve been through emotional crap, and this was the only shelter I found for myself. So I retreated into this little shell and never came out. I had friends, but I never told them anything important to me or anything that I actually valued.
This summer I went out with a girl. If she’s reading this now, yes, I am over you. I’m stating facts here, not regretting my past. But anyways, I had a great time with her – it was kind of accidental love. You know how in all those fairy tale movies, the main character finds someone he/she has no intention of ever being interested in, and then ends up falling in love with them anyway? That was sort of how it was for me. I guess the saying “falling in love” is very true; it’s more like tripping over it than anything else. You can look for love all you want, but in the end it finds you. Anyway, although she wasn’t perfect, and I can see now that she wasn’t the “right one” for me, I learned so much from her. Some things I learned weren’t directly from her as much as what I had a chance to think about after it all ended. But I used to be so nervous around women I was interested in. They were somehow elevated from the rest of the female population, so I would stumble around them and generally make a fool of myself by trying to look so good.
Then along she came, and I had no intention of ever being interested in her. I felt comfortable being around her, so I didn’t get nervous from having to leave my shell. Then BAM! it happened. And although I tried to fight it, love doesn’t give up easily. She basically grabbed my arm and yanked me right out of my shell. I lived free again.
After we broke up, I was tempted to crawl right back into that shell I was so accustomed to. I wanted to be “emo” again and pity myself to nurse my wounds all over again. I tried it for a while. I crawled right back in. But then I realized that it wasn’t for me anymore; I guess I had grown too big for my shell. And now I’m free. I don’t want to give my summer valentine all the credit, but she did help a lot. To use another analogy, it was like hitting the reset button on a computer after you’ve screwed everything up. You press restart and then the computer loads again, returning everything to normal.
One of the aspects of this crawling out of my shell is that I’m not afraid anymore. The biggest area I’ve noticed a change in is my faith. I used to downplay the fact that I was a Christian. I didn’t want anyone to not like me based on that fact; but now I think, if someone doesn’t accept me for who I am, then they don’t deserve to have my friendship. Sometimes I still offer it anyways in Christian love, but then again I’m not the perfect Christian either. I suppose God will eventually get to them in one way or another no matter whether they accepted me or not. And I mean, I still have struggles with my faith, but suddenly this fear is not one of those struggles anymore. When I made this blog, I had to make a decision whether to talk about my faith or not. I realized that non-Christians might read it and just laugh. But who cares? That’s their problem, not mine. My duty is to live out my life in the best way I know how and, with the help of the Lord, help others to live their life in the best way they can as well. If someone has a problem with that, then God decides what to do with them, not me. Fear is not an option for me anymore.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. So you must never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord. And don’t be ashamed of me, either, even though I’m in prison for Christ. With the strength God gives you, be ready to suffer with me for the proclamation of the Good News.
“It is God who saved us and chose us to live a holy life. He did this not because we deserved it, but because that was his plan long before the world began–to show his love and kindness to us through Christ Jesus.” (2 Timothy 1:7-9)